


Out of the dark - big bang 2009

by violetknights



Category: J2 - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-28
Updated: 2009-06-27
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:29:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetknights/pseuds/violetknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the age of thirty-one award winning author Jensen Ackles has everything he could possibly want but nothing that he needs. Suffering from burn out and unable to write he takes off to a woodland hideaway to try and get his mojo back. When he meets the reclusive hermit, Jared for the first time he can’t possibly imagine the extent to which their lives are already inextricably entwined. Maybe it’s fate, maybe it’s just coincidence. Maybe together they can journey out of the dark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_  
Summary: At the age of thirty-one award winning author Jensen Ackles has everything he could possibly want but nothing that he needs. Suffering from burn out and unable to write he takes off to a woodland hideaway to try and get his mojo back. When he meets the reclusive hermit, Jared for the first time he can’t possibly imagine the extent to which their lives are already inextricably entwined. Maybe it’s fate, maybe it’s just coincidence. Maybe together they can journey out of the dark._

 _All the art is by the amazingly talented mini_moue  
 **Out of the dark - big bang 2009**  
_   


  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00027xk8/)   


_She felt the tremors begin to rack her whole body as the terror began to overwhelm her. This was it, the end, there was no hope left. As he began to approach she began to sob once more, calling out for her mama and trying to twist herself out of the bindings until the blood ran in crimson rivulets down her arms._

 _“Cry all you like little girl, no one can hear you.” His voice is a harsh, distorted whisper, the sound only serving to increase her distress as she realized that his terrible, twisted visage was the last face she’d ever see._

 _His knife flashed and danced in front of her eyes and she increased her panicked screaming as he carefully began to peel the skin from her face._

 _(Extract taken from the debut novel “Raven’s Ravings” by Jensen Ackles, the award winning horror author and Oscar winning screen play writer)._

 _Ackles (31) and still single, is one of the finest young writers of generation X. Sadly Jensen says with a wry smile and a twinkle in his gorgeous green eyes that he’s not available, he’s still getting over a bad break up from last year. Doesn’t that just make us want to love him more? When you’re ready to start dating again, Mr Ackles, there’s one reporter here who’s heading up the line!_

  
Jensen can’t really remember when he first started telling stories, the words were so much a part of him it was a struggle to try and isolate the moment when he’d first been able to share his gift with other people. He guessed it was probably when Mac was little; she was always pestering him and Josh to do stuff with her. Bribing her with the promise of bedtime stories had been one way to get five minutes peace. He’d created a magical world for her and peopled it with characters from her toy closet, talking bears had frolicked with a one-armed monkey and a purple frog.

As they got older he and Josh used to lie in bed at night huddled under the quilts with a flashlight and try to scare each other with the urban legends that were always doing the rounds at school. The hookman who grabbed couples out of their car or the mad old lady who lived in the ramshackle house down the road and who’d bake kids into pies on Halloween.

The first time he knew for sure that he was any good at it was scout camp when he was eleven. They’d had a competition telling scary stories round the campfire; his story had his fellow campers shivering with fear as he drew out the tale of a madman creeping between the trees to snatch them all one by one. He’d been unanimously declared the winner and awarded a real Swiss army knife that he still treasured more than any of his other accolades.

It was a story the press pulled out every time they wanted to interview him – boy wonder of the horror novel, the bright, new face of the dark side with his wholesome freckles and All-American roots.

He had grown up in Texas. Part of an average family doing normal stuff, middle son of three children, little league, boy scouts, Church on Sundays. He was often asked where he got his ideas from – how some one as happy and uncomplicated as he was could delve with such frightening intensity into the very darkest recesses of the human psyche. He’d just shrug his shoulders and flash his charming smile and say “Well I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

The, usually female, interviewers would simper, laugh and flirt their way through the interview and afterwards would try and angle for a date. Jensen would be personable but distant and the interviews, when they appeared would always be glowing. The accompanying photo shoots would show Jensen looking rumpled but attractive working at his desk, or posed with one of his many literary awards. They would often feature the shot of him receiving his Oscar for best screenplay with Kripke when they made the movie of his first novel.

Thirty-one years old and he’d already made enough money to never have to work again but somehow the need to write still drove him. He remained fairly reclusive, staying on the fringes of the literary world, going home to his family when the media interest got too much. He avoided the usual round of opening nights and A-list parties preferring to stick with the same tight knit group of friends that he’d grown up with. They kept his feet on the ground and took no notice of his fame. The one time he’d got close to an outsider he’d ended up hurt badly so now he kept himself to himself. He spent his days in a strict routine of writing and his evenings hanging out with his friends.

His friends and colleagues all knew and respected that Jensen liked his privacy which made it all the more unusual when his agent called him up and invited him to go to the opening night of an art exhibition with her. At first he demurred before finally allowing himself to be talked into it, Sophia could be very persuasive when she wanted to be.

  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


Dutifully he picked her up dead on time and escorted her through the paparazzi and up the Gallery steps. Although the event was a low key affair featuring a number of lesser known artists the opening night was a charity event and so many of the local celebrities were out in force. The exhibition was showcasing the work of several artists and Jensen feared it would all be too high-brow for his taste. When he saw that the first sculpture was entirely made up of empty cigarette packets formed into the shape of Mount Rushmore he reached for the champagne and drained a glass rapidly before reaching for another one.

“Jesus, Sophia! Why did we have to come and see this crap anyway?” he hissed. She smiled serenely and tweaked at his tie. “It’s good for people to see you out and about occasionally,” she purred. “Anyway, there’s some work here by an artist who doesn’t have an agent yet, Kim wanted me to check his work out for the firm and you can give me your opinion.”  
“Come on Sophia, cut the bullshit! I don’t know jack about art.”  
“And that’s why I need you, if the firm wants to represent this guy he’s got to have popular appeal. If you like it, I’ll know its good – not just trendy. Now, I’m gonna go circulate because **I** actually like people and you can look round the gallery and get an impression of what you like.”

Jensen snorted softly before setting out to do as he was told. Sophia could be hard sometimes but she was scrupulously honest and respected his desire to stay out of the public eye as much as possible. She’d protected him from the fallout over the whole Collins incident so he owed her big time. As far as agents went he felt he was pretty lucky, Sophia worked hard to do the best for him and she rarely asked him to do more than the bare minimum of public appearances.  
He wandered round looking at the exhibits and sipping the champagne, it was expensive and fizzy and he would have given anything to swap it for a nice, cold beer.

Much of the work was in the same vein as the first sculpture, trendy junk that seemed to be trying too hard, he was almost ready to give up when he found a little room to the side of the main gallery. It contained nothing but half a dozen huge photographs, all were intensely detailed showing scenes of breath taking beauty, or close ups of wild creatures from unusual angles.  
One that particularly caught Jensen's eye showed the bank of a small creek and focused on the twisted patterns created by tree roots where they twined with each other just above the surface of the water. The light dappled the water through the trees making an unusual effect of light and shade on the surface of the water.

The whole picture was alive with light and movement and Jensen found himself entranced by it. He had never really considered photography to be an art form before but now he realized that it must have taken hours to set this picture up, waiting for the light to be perfect just as the shoal of tiny fish swam beneath the roots.

Jensen checked with a Gallery PA who was hovering discretely with a little roll of red stickers and found that the pictures were really reasonably priced. He bought his favorite one on the spot and asked her to call him if any of the others were still available at the end of the exhibition.

Every time he looked at the photographs he found some tiny, perfect detail, a dragonfly hovering over the surface of the water or a tiny skeletonized mouse in the corner of a picture of a nesting bird. When he could finally drag himself away he went to find Sophia who was deeply engrossed in a conversation with two other young women about the lack of straight, male talent these days. He tapped her on the shoulder and she dragged her attention away from her friends and turned to see what he wanted.

“’Kay, honey I’ve done what I was told, can I go now? Steve and Chris are playing in a bar downtown; I might just catch the end of their set if I can get a cab now?”  
She patted his cheek fondly, “Okay, sweetie. Thanks for coming. What did you think of the art?”  
He leaned in close so that no one else could hear. “It was all crap!” he stated bluntly, grinning at the way she tried to hide her reaction. “The only thing worth a second look was the photographer in the side room, Tristan Padalecki, I’ve bought one already. Right I’m off.” He kissed her cheek fondly.

“That’s my guy!” she chuckled, “I’ll get Sera on to it in the morning. I’ll call you about your next publicity tour too, ‘Dark Mirror, Dark Soul’ comes out on the 14th and coincides with ‘Shadow Man’ coming out in paperback so I want to get you on a couple of covers the week before.” He nodded and threaded his way through the crowd, eager to get back to a place where he’d feel more comfortable.

  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


The bar where his friend’s were playing was cozy and dark; anyone in there who knew who he was didn’t care. Art Galleries and A-listers were soon forgotten as he stuck his tie in his pocket and headed for the comfort of anonymity once more.

Chad and Jason greeted him with a beer, Steve gave him a nod before he and Chris launched into another song and everything else was forgotten but friendship and the closest thing to a family he had here.

  


  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


Six months down the line and Jensen was starting to feel worried. The latest novel was on the shelves but for the first time ever there wasn’t a new one in the pipelines, he was fresh out of ideas. His laptop stared accusingly at him from his desk but he couldn’t even come up with ideas bad enough to scrap.

Unable to write he felt lost, time dragged heavily. He had mounted the photograph from the Gallery above his desk and he would spend hours staring at the picture. He had the strangest feeling that the ideas were all hidden under the peculiarly dappled light, just out of reach beneath the water or in the mossy recesses of the tree branches.

He had spent weeks wandering moodily round his penthouse apartment but couldn’t settle to anything. He spent hours cooking complicated meals that he barely picked at and ran for miles every day but nothing seemed to help. He knew he didn’t **have** to write but not having to and not being able to were two totally different things. In his bleaker moments he felt as though the darkness was building up inside him and if he didn’t write it out of his system he would be taken over by it. He lay awake at night, kept all the lights on all the time but he felt like the words he should be writing were threatening to drown him.

In despair he called his Mama and rambled at her on the phone for an hour, pouring out his despair and his sense of failure despite all he had achieved.  
When he finally calmed down enough for her to get a word in edgeways she said, “Well, honey, you know you’re always welcome to come back home but I don’t know if that’s what you need right now. Do you remember when we used to have the cabin in the forest? You should go somewhere like that; escape the noise and the pollution and it never getting dark at night. The darkness is what you write about so I’m not surprised you’ve run out of inspiration where you are.”

Knowing that she was, as always, right, Jensen lost no time in getting on to Sophia and saying he was going to be out of circulation for a while, she grumbled for a bit but soon agreed that the break would do him good.

When he asked his Mama where the holiday cabin had been he found it was in the same region as his photograph had been taken. It seemed like an omen, and although he’d never believed in them before he couldn’t deny that they were one of the mainstays of his books. Omens and portents always served him well as a literary tool; maybe it was time to start using them as a life tool too. Chris and Steve would so kick his ass if he said anything like that out loud though.

It felt right to him to find a cabin in the area. Well, to ask Sophia to find him one anyway. If nothing else he could write a journal of his life in solitude or write his autobiography if he was feeling really desperate but he fervently hoped he’d get his mojo back or fix whatever existential crisis was giving him this writer’s block.

  


  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


It was late in the afternoon when Jensen finally pulled his truck to a halt outside the general store. It seemed to be the only public building in the tiny town with two gas pumps on the forecourt as well as signs advertizing coffee and food. It looked old but clean and in good order, which he was glad to see because this was to be his only contact with civilization for the next three months at least. The closest large town was a three-hour drive away and he had no plans to be making that journey anytime soon.

He rubbed the grit from his eyes but only succeeded in irritating his contact lenses more. Coffee – that’s what he needed before he attempted the last leg of his journey. Locking the truck he climbed up the steps to enter the building.

Inside, the store was well stocked with a good selection of staples and a few luxuries. It was divided into two main areas – the provisions and hardware taking up a good three quarters of the space, with the remainder being a small dining area. A pot of coffee gave off a tantalizing aroma and a plate of delicious looking home baked pastries sat beside it on the counter. Two middle-aged men were playing chess and drinking coffee and as he entered they both turned to look at him. The older one had a grizzled, graying beard and wore a baseball cap but his eyes twinkled kindly, the younger one gave him a smile that was friendly enough but Jensen felt he was being appraised by a professional eye and the man still exuded a dangerous air.

“Hey there, boy,” the older man drawled. “You’re a long way off the beaten track, you lost or road tripping while you find your inner self?” he chuckled at his own joke.

Jensen smiled politely, if he was going to be living here for a while then it wouldn’t do to antagonize the locals. “No sir. I’ve rented a cabin alongside the lake for a few months, I was just calling in to get a few supplies and collect the keys, are either of you Sam? I was told he’d be here with them.”

“Nope I’m not Sam and he ain’t neither!” obviously the more garrulous of the two, the older man spoke again. “Well then, neighbor I guess we’d better introduce ourselves. I’m Jim, I own the only garage round here, if your truck needs work or if you’re still around when we need snow chains I’ll sort you out.”

Thank you, sir. I’ll bear that in mind. I’m not sure how long I’ll be around though.”

“My friend here is JD; he just does whatever needs doing. If you need anything fetching or the cabin needs work doing on it he’ll be your man for that.”  
“Hey JD... Jim, good to meet you both. Uh – I’ve been on the road all day and I’d be grateful if you could tell me where I could find this Sam guy.”

Finally the dark haired JD grinned, flashing perfectly even, shiny, white teeth which seemed in contrast to his weather beaten face and worn flannel shirt. “Maybe I’d better call _him_ for you.” He raised his voice, “Sam, Sam honey. You have a visitor!”

A tall, good-looking woman emerged through a side door wiping her hand on a dishtowel. JD grinned again, “This is Sam, my wife Samantha. Sam this is . . . Oh! You didn’t give us your name.”

“JD, don’t you tease, you know darn well that this is Jensen Ackles so don’t go pretending otherwise. We may be out in the woods Mr Ackles but it ain’t the dark ages. We’ve read all your books but no one here will bother you about it.”

Jensen stammered and blushed his way through an introduction, “Please just call me Jensen,” feeling like he’d been completely wrong footed by his misunderstanding over the woman’s name and not sure of the intentions behind the two men’s teasing.

She waved his apologies away with a smile and poured him a steaming mug of coffee as she began pulling packages and tins from the shelves and packing him a box of supplies. “Now if you need anything at all you just come to me, Jim and JD may act like they take turns with the brain cell but they can be quite helpful if they’ve a mind to be. Now, I’ve got a lovely cherry pie cooling on the side for you, I’ll go get it and the keys and I’ll point you on your way.”

Jensen drank his coffee gratefully as the woman bustled round organizing things. When she disappeared into the kitchen he risked a glance at the two men who were once again involved in their card game which seemed to need two packs of cards and a fair amount of cursing. “She’s sure got everything under control,” he observed genially.

“Yeah” Jim agreed. “Didn’t think anyone could tame my sister until JD came along.”

“I wouldn’t say tamed,” JD smirked. “No one else would put up with her mad coot of a brother,”

“Or her bossiness,” Jim observed.  
“Got no problem with that,” JD countered. “If you don’t want to get bossed around don’t marry a nurse!”

Jensen began to relax and enjoy the banter that was obviously a practised part of their relationship.

“So boy, you ever been here before?” Jim asked.  
“Not really, sir. We used to have a cabin on the other bank of the lake when I was a boy but I haven’t been back in years. Anything I should look out for?”

“Well, no bears round here so unless you’ve a racoon phobia you should be fairly safe,” JD observed dryly.  
“There’s the wild man of the woods,” Jim noted.  
Feeling his leg was being pulled again Jensen grinned, he was beginning to enjoy these two and was glad that there would be company available if he decided he needed it.  
“I ain’t joshing, boy. You never heard the stories? About Sasquatch, the wild hairy ape-man who roams the woods feeding off . . .”

“You stop that right now, James Beaver!” Samantha’s eyes flashed dangerously as she stood hands on hips and glared “Poor boy! He don’t need no silly stories or tall tales! You two have been sitting around under my feet all afternoon, it’s time you did some work. Jim, you go sort out Mr Jones’ Chevy, he’ll be back tomorrow. JD, I made another batch of pies, you can take ‘em out to the freezer.” She smiled at Jensen as the two men hurriedly finished their coffee and left, muttering goodbyes as they went.

“You know what they say, the devil finds work for idle hands, and if he won’t, I will.”

Jensen laughed and thanked her again as he carried the generous box of groceries out to the truck and she pointed out the way he had to travel.

“You take care now,” she said. “You need anything you just come on over. Cell phones don’t work round here but you’ll always be welcome. There’s no bar in town but folks turn up here most Friday nights for a drink and a chat. I’ll be expecting to see you.”

“Yes Ma’am.” Jensen smiled back at her, already totally charmed by the friendly welcome he’d been given. He even found himself whistling as the truck rattled along the dirt track towards his new home, he felt better already.

  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


  
As he carried in the box of groceries from the truck to the cabin Jensen had the strangest feeling that he was being watched. He peered anxiously through the dark undergrowth but nothing moved so he hurried inside and set the box on the table. It didn’t take him long to bring in the rest of the things he’d brought with him, just a duffel of clothes, his wash things and his laptop.

As Sam had promised the cabin was basic but cozy and well enough equipped to suit his needs. Jensen unpacked and made himself at home, he plugged in his laptop and opened a blank document. He had nothing to write in it yet but just having it ready gave him hope here; whereas in the city it had made him feel worse than ever.

It was completely dark now and Jensen took his mug of coffee with him to stand out on the porch. The moon was a couple of nights away from being full but it was very bright and lit up the trees with an eerie glow. If he couldn’t find inspiration here he wouldn’t find it anywhere. There was a sharp crack as a dry twig snapped somewhere and he expected to see some small creature startle out of the undergrowth but there was nothing.

Shivering slightly he finished his drink and peered out into the night once more. A shadow flickered in the corner of his eye and he spun round but already everything was still again. Smiling to himself he went back inside, his imagination was obviously kicking in already.

He slept early and easily, filled with good food and exhausted by his journey. His sleep was dreamless and refreshing and when he woke in the morning he was filled with purpose. He didn’t want to push himself with trying to write just yet, instead he planned to spend the day hiking through the woods and exploring his new surroundings, maybe he’d feel like making a start when he got back.

  
[   
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[next](http://violetknights.livejournal.com/26895.html)   



	2. Chapter 2

  
_For eons it had slumbered, deep beneath the surface of the lake, nothing disturbing its dreamless state. In its sleep it grew ever more vast and powerful until it stretched for miles beneath the land, its tentacles extended beneath cities and forests alike. For millennia no one knew it was there until one day it started to dream. Its eternal mind began to travel through the minds of sleeping humans and as it travelled it realized the extent of their greed and depravity._

 _When it started to stir the mountains rumbled and the ground shook, people spoke of strange creatures roaming the land and the dead returning with warnings and omens. Some of those whose minds it had touched ranted about the coming of the end times. On the day it finally awoke the sky turned red as blood and the stars vanished into the crimson haze._

  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/000283kr/)   


(From ‘The End of the World as We Know It’ by Jensen Ackles, soon to be made into a movie staring Johnny Depp and Nicole Kidman, directed by Eric Kripke. The last film made by the Kripke/Ackles team grossed over $15 million in its first week and won 2 Oscars.)

  


  
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He doesn’t like to close his eyes any more, with sleep come the dreams and they’re never good. Always filled with blood and pain and screams and something precious being torn from his arms and destroyed in front of his eyes as he howls in pain and helpless rage. When he wakes it’s to a terrible sense of loss that hurts more than the pain in his legs and his head.

  
During the day he dozes, if he has too, upright in his chair then walks, so many miles of territory to cover and always something new to see. If he hasn’t got the dogs with him he can watch the animals; he crouches in the bushes or leans against a tree. He stands so still he becomes a part of the forest and then the creatures come. He likes to watch them, gets a sense of continuity from seeing squirrels raise their young or prepare for winter or the birds nesting then the fledglings flying and how it starts all over again. It’s reassuring to know that life in general goes on – even if it doesn’t seem to for him.

He likes to keep an eye on the others when they’re awake sometimes, he watches from far back in the woods where he hopes they don’t see him. At night he walks until he finds them, the ones who he used to call friend when such things had held meaning for him and makes sure they’re safe, often patrolling the cabins and the town until the dawn begins to take away his shadowy hiding places.

It gives shape to his week to hide outside the store on a Friday night and listen to the chatter inside. He remembers in a part of him that’s locked in tight when he used to come here with . . . but that’s a name that hurts beyond all imagining to say and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever speak it again.

The dreams are always worse on a Friday night, soft baby arms round his neck, long dark hair brushing his cheek, the mingled sound of their laughter that is cut off abruptly and always ends in screams and blood and pain.

Some days it hurts too much to walk and then he just sits; the dogs stay protectively at his feet and he stares out at the weather, rubbing his thigh with agitated hands trying to drive out the worst of the pain. He only eats when he remembers because he never feels hungry anymore. The dogs are well cared for though, the routine of walking them, feeding them, it’s the only thing he’s got to live for now.

  


  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


Jensen followed the trail along the side of the creek and deep into the forest, the air around him was still and cool and he felt the peace of the place settle into him. He walked for miles before sitting with his back against an ancient tree to eat the lunch he’d brought with him. He had looked at the banks of the creek as he walked to see if he could spot the place where his photograph was taken. For the first time since his arrival he wonders about the artist, Tristan Padalecki, whether he is a local or had just been a summer visitor.

The further he walks the more he began to notice the details in the scenery around him. Tiny crevasses in the tree trunks, the patterns in the moss and the lichens. Without thinking about it he felt a story begin to unfurl in his head, a tale of ancient gods, nature spirits awoken and angered by the encroaching of civilization. When he realized what had happened he let out a mighty whoop of joy that startled the birds out of a nearby tree. Laughing at himself Jensen hurried back along the trail, keen to get back to his laptop and start writing it down.

Jensen was nearly home when he spotted a figure in the undergrowth to the side of the trail. For one bizarre moment he wondered if it was his ancient tree god come to life for the figure was tall and bearded and dressed in a shambolic mismatch of clothing in khakis and grays. As the figure came closer Jensen could see that he was real, although taller then average and with a strange flatness to his expression. Jensen guessed at once that this was the wild man that Jim had teased him about the day before.

Still he called out a friendly greeting and waved at the man to see if he would acknowledge Jensen’s presence. He turned towards him and looked intently at Jensen and Jensen felt a shiver go down his spine. There was indeed something otherworldly in the other man’s scrutiny. Slowly the man nodded at him before hurrying off into the undergrowth, with a piercing whistle that brought two huge dogs to his side and Jensen was amazed at how rapidly and silently the three vanished into the bushes.

Chalking it up as something to ask Sam about on Friday night, Jensen hurried home to start work. He thought that maybe he could rough out an outline for an hour or so before he stopped to make supper.

When he next looked up from the laptop he found that it was past midnight, he had written the outline and was well on his way to finishing the first chapter. He was astonished at the ease with which the words had flowed as he wrote his first story in months. Suddenly he was aware of how absolutely ravenous he was as his stomach rumbled loudly.

He heated a can of chili that he found in Sam’s grocery box and took it out onto the tiny veranda to eat it. The night was still warm and Jensen was feeling mighty pleased with himself as he sat on the swing to eat. He already felt at home here and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’d made the right move in coming here.

A prickling down the back of his neck made him turn and peer uneasily into the darkness. Again he had the strangest feeling that he was being watched.  
“Hello?” he called softly but there was no reply.

Jensen finished his meal quickly and headed back in doors to get another piece of Sam’s pie. Just before the door swung shut behind him Jensen thought he heard a noise, footsteps coming towards him through the forest but they were cut off by the slam of the door. Cursing softly under his breath Jensen opened the door again but all was still and silent.

  


  
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From: sophia@manners&gamble.com  
To: ja.horrorking@aol.com

Hi stranger, Hope you haven’t gone native on us too quickly. I was going through some photographs with Sera for the exhibition that she’s organizing at the end of the month – for the guy whose picture you bought. Anyway I thought you might get a kick out of some of them – this **is** where you’re staying, isn’t it?

Anyway apparently the guy refuses to come up for the show – everything gets handled by his father in law and he says Sera can have all the pictures she can handle but no artist!!!! How’s that for a mystery?

Anyway, if you get sick of the silence you can always call – and don’t forget you’re coming back on the 18th to do the Time magazine interview – Sera might be able to do publicity for a non-existent artist but I can’t!!

Take care, Sophia

From: blueeyedcowboy@gmail.com  
To: ja.horrorking@aol.com

Hey bro! Just a quick line to say Chris and I will be in the studio for the next three weeks at least but then, if it’s okay with you we thought we might come down for a weekend and find out where you’re hiding!

Oh hey, nothing to worry about but that sleazy f*****r Collins was sniffing around asking questions so we told him you’ve gone to Australia on an outback adventure!

Take care, get in touch, I’ll send you a demo copy as soon as it’s done, Steve.

P.S. Chad broke his foot climbing out of some chick’s window to avoid her irate husband! The poor douche is going crazy with boredom, though he says the crutches are a babe magnet!

  
Jensen was taken aback at how little it seemed to matter that Misha was around again, where once he would have angsted over the news for days he was now more concerned about how slowly Sophia’s photos were to download on Sam’s dial-up connection.

When they finally appeared Jensen saw that the new Padalecki pictures showed the same flair for capturing minute detail that his earlier work had. There were twenty-two pictures this time. Several of them showed the lake and gave an eerie sense of things lurking and moving beneath the water. The two that caught Jensen’s eye showed Sam’s store where he now sat, obviously taken at dawn with the sky brightening behind the silhouetted building.

Jensen immediately fired off a return e-mail to Sophia asking her to reserve them both for him and adding the same rider as he had before – that if any of the others remained unsold he’d like them too, although in fact last time they’d all sold anyway.

He also sent her the synopsis and first three chapters of the book, he was confident now of its progress. Indeed it sometimes felt as though this story was writing itself, almost as though he were in a trance with the words pouring through him as he wrote.

As soon as he’d finished his e-mails Jensen clicked the laptop closed and locked it in his truck. As he returned Sam handed him a can of beer to replace the coffee he’d been drinking earlier. “First one’s on the house,” she grinned, “after that we take turns to buy a six pack and share them round.”

Jensen thanked her gratefully and took a long swallow of the cold beer. It was the only alcohol that he’d drunk all week and it tasted good after his long day of hiking and writing.

This was his third Friday at Sam’s now and he’d quickly fallen into the habit of turning up early to chat with her and use her Internet connection before the others arrived. Tonight was quiet though, JD and Jim had been called away to give someone a tow and the other locals were slow in arriving.

Jensen took the opportunity to ask Sam about the “wild man” and his dogs. He’d seen them in the distance a few times now and Jensen wasn’t sure about dogs at the best of times, these two seemed to be awfully big to be off their leads all the time.

Sam laughed at him for an instant then her eyes crinkled with sadness. “That’s Jared, he’s harmless and so are his dogs. It’s not my story to tell but you honestly have nothing to fear from him. I don’t like it when Jim jokes about him, it don’t seem right somehow. Poor boy!”

“Does he live round here?” Jensen asked.

“He has a cabin further up the trail from yours,” Sam answered, “He used to be a holiday visitor but . . . there was a tragedy, something terrible and he stays here all the time now . . . but, I don’t know if I should tell you . . .”  
Jensen tried hard to look as trustworthy and sympathetic as possible. He was desperate to know more about the wild man . . . about Jared.

At that moment JD and Jim burst into the room closely followed by their towee, all three men were in loud good spirits and JD grabbed a six pack off the shelf. Sam was on her feet instantly, ready to start serving her guests and offering food to her brother and husband.

Although he tried to talk to her again there were no further opportunities and much as he enjoyed the good humor and banter of the customers, it went no further to satisfying his curiosity. Finally after another beer and a large bowl of French fries and chicken wings Jensen started yawning and decided it was time to call it a night. As he called his goodbyes Sam handed him his jacket from the peg beside the door. “He needs a friend,” she said quietly, “He’s got no one but those dogs. Harley's the big one and Sadie’s the smaller one, make friends with them and you’ll be half way there.”

  
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Jensen woke suddenly, his heart pounding and the blood rushing in his ears. It took him a minute to realize that the noise that had woken him was real and not just a remnant of the bizarre dream he’d been having. He shivered as the noise started up again; a strange scratching at his door followed by a high pitched whining. Remembering what Jim had said he was relieved that at least it couldn't be a bear out there although it did sound pretty big.

He debated putting his head back under the pillow and trying to go to sleep again but he could hear Steve’s voice in his head berating him for being a pussy and he was kind of curious anyway. Cursing quietly because he didn’t think he’d got more than an hour’s sleep after coming back from Sam’s he slipped on some shoes and a sweater. Cautiously he peered out of the window and laughed at himself when he realized that his midnight visitor was one of Jared’s big ass dogs. Sam had said they were friendly so he was no longer as apprehensive about it as he’d been before. He figured it must have got lost or something so he opened the door and called to it softly, “Hey boy! It’s a bit chilly to be out on you own. You want to come in?”

The dog looked at him mournfully and barked once but didn’t move. Jensen wondered if it was afraid of him so he hunkered down and held out his hand, the dog sniffed him a bit then licked his knuckles before barking impatiently and trotting down the steps. At the bottom he sat looking over his shoulder until Jensen grabbed a flashlight and followed him. “What’s the matter, boy? Little Timmy fallen down the well?” Jensen muttered, wondering what on earth he was doing following a strange dog into the pitch-black forest in the middle of the night.

With Jensen following close behind the dog dived round behind the cabin to the upper pathway that led into town. Once on the path though, the dog headed in the opposite direction deeper into the woods. Jensen broke in to a jog to keep up with the animal and wondered briefly how long he’d be able to keep up the pace. He didn’t have to worry for long however because less than five minutes of jogging down the track led Jensen to a huddled figure moaning in pain by the side of the path, the other dog curled protectively around him.

“Hey, buddy! What happened? Can I help?” There was no reply as the man clutched his head and moaned. Jensen moved his flashlight beam to the ground, away from the man’s face and tried to see if he was injured anywhere else.

“Sorry . . . Harley shouldn’t have . . . be okay . . . sorry . . . usually get more warning . . .” The man gasped out a broken stream of words.

“It’s okay,” Jensen soothed, “Honestly, it’s fine. Jared, you are Jared aren’t you? Can you get back to the cabin with me?”

“Think so, need to lean . . . my leg is bad too.”

The admission was gritted out through teeth clenched in pain but still sounded like he was ashamed of it, like he wouldn’t have said anything if he weren’t at the very end of his tether. Jensen wondered again what the terrible tragedy was that Sam had referred to. Careful to keep the light off Jared’s face, Jensen leaned down and helped him to his feet.

The return journey was slow going, Jensen ended up half dragging the man back to the cabin and he was amazed at how light he was for someone so tall. He was also surprised to find that despite the overgrown beard and wild hair Jared was surprisingly clean, Jensen had expected him to be an unwashed vagrant but he smelled as though he had showered recently and his clothes were clean.

In the cabin Jensen brought the dim night light through to the living room so as not to be too bright for Jared’s eyes. He’d already figured out that part of the problem seemed to be some sort of migraine but he wasn’t sure what else was wrong. “Can I get you some Tylenol?” he offered softly.

“No, no please, no drugs. Don’t want to sleep, please.” Jared begged.

“Okay, sure if that’s what you want,” Jensen soothed. “Maybe I can take a look, manipulate some of the pressure points in your neck, I trained to be a physical therapist.”

“I know,” Jared breathed, a ghost of a smile playing across his lips. “I read your biography on the jacket of your books.”

Well, thought Jensen the man was full of surprises, his voice was a surprise too, holding a definite Texan twang like Jensen's own although sounding a little raspy and out of use.

As gently as he could Jensen eased Jared out of some of the many layers of clothes until he was only wearing a sleeveless vest. His face was lined and screwed up with the pain and his back and shoulders were knotted and twisted with tension obvious in every muscle. “Tell me if it makes anything hurt worse,” Jensen instructed but Jared only grunted, obviously now the pain was too much for him to care.

Jensen rubbed his hands together to get them warm before he let them rest on Jared’s shoulders for a minute to give Jared time to get used to the feel of someone else’s hands on him. As carefully as possible Jensen began to let his hands move over Jared’s broad shoulders trying to learn the areas that held the most tension, working out where the most painful knots were. As he worked in silence he tried to imagine what could possibly have happened to this man to leave him so tormented, he wondered what he’d meant by not wanting to sleep.

As his skilful fingers worked their way up Jared’s neck and into the man’s shaggy hair Jared gave a little groan. “Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?”

“Nah, nah it’s good, you did something up there and it started to ease a bit.” Jensen worked on in silence as he felt a thick ridge of scar tissue and realized that the man must have suffered a severe head trauma at some point which could account for a lot of things.

After about twenty minutes Jared lolled back into the armchair and Jensen realized he was asleep. He debated for a minute whether or not to wake him after his earlier insistence on staying awake but already he looked less pained and Jensen was shocked to see that Jared was actually quite young, probably even younger than Jensen himself.

He looked at the two dogs that were lying patiently at their master’s feet, “Are you two hungry then?” he asked quietly. Both creatures opened their eyes and their tails thumped against the floor; Jensen took that as a yes.  
He hauled a comforter out of the bedroom and tucked it over the sleeping Jared and wandered through into the kitchen. He knew he didn’t have dog food but figured he must have something they’d like.

Rummaging through his food stores he found a large packet of pasta and a can of meat in gravy, he cooked the mess together figuring that if he were a dog he’d probably find it pretty appetizing. Judging by the way it disappeared he was probably right. After they’d eaten and drunk the washing up bowl full of water he thought he ought to let them out. It had been a long time since he’d had pets to look after but he figured it was the safest thing to do – he didn’t want to spend the next morning scrubbing rugs. Suppressing a shudder at the thought Jensen opened the door for them and ushered the dogs outside. He was a little concerned that they might run away on him but he needn’t have worried because they were only gone for a minute or two before curling up again on the rug at Jared’s feet.

Jensen watched the sleeping man for a moment before he turned out the lamp and went back through to the bedroom. Yawning widely he climbed into bed, noting with a frown that it was now past three o’clock. Although he was totally exhausted Jensen found himself unable to settle, feeling somehow that he was deserting Jared, he couldn’t forget the other man’s terror of going to sleep.

Gathering up the quilt from his bed, Jensen went back to the living room and pulled the other armchair closer to where Jared was sleeping. Wrapping himself up warm, he settled down to spend the night watching over his new friend. Lulled by the dogs’ gentle snoring and the warmth of the fire Jensen quickly fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

  


  
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Jensen awoke to one of the dogs pawing at his leg, the sun was well up and he was surprised that he and Jared had slept so long. Opening his eyes he saw that this was the smaller dog, Sadie and he made a fuss of her for a minute before opening the cabin door to let them both out for a bit.

Jared looked like the sleep was doing him good, some of the lines had gone from his face and the tension had definitely eased. Pleased that he had been able to help Jensen went to the kitchen area to make coffee and cook something for breakfast.

Hearing the dogs come back in he refilled the water bowl for them and gave them a couple of graham crackers. Straightening up from putting the treats on the floor he saw Jared was awake and watching him. “Morning,” he said, softly, “I didn’t mean to let you sleep so long but I only just woke up myself.”  
Jared stretched his back, making his spine click and pop as he worked the kinks out. There was almost a note of wonderment in his voice as he said, “It’s okay, I mean . . . it really is okay. I haven’t slept like that since . . . not for ages.”

Jensen nodded approvingly, “Good. You obviously needed it then. I bet you’re starving now, do you want breakfast? I was going to do eggs and toast.”

“Sounds great,” Jared agreed. “Thank you for taking care of the dogs . . . and me. Not a lot of people round here would.” He sounded matter of fact rather than bitter as he added, “I think they’re afraid bad luck is catching.” Again his voice sounded at odds with his appearance. Jensen couldn’t help wondering what had brought the man to this condition, remembering the feel of the knotted ridge of scar tissue hidden in his hair.

“Did you want to grab a shower while I sort out the food?” Jensen indicated the bathroom and showed Jared where everything was. As he cooked he felt ridiculously pleased at having a guest in his little home. He was so used to being with Steve and the others all the time in the city that he’d found it odd at first being on his own so much here.

When Jared opened the door Jensen couldn’t help but gasp at the transformation. Jared smiled slowly and rubbed his neatly trimmed beard self-consciously. His hair was pulled back into a tidy ponytail and he was dressed in the T-shirt and jeans that Jensen had offered him. Jensen found himself blushing because actually, now he looked closely, the man was seriously hot! The too-tight clothes molded to him, defining a body that was too thin but pure muscle. Jensen found it hard to tear his eyes away until he realized that Jared was blushing under the scrutiny. “Sorry,” Jared muttered. “I guess I hadn’t noticed what I looked like for a while. There isn’t usually anyone but the dogs to see me.”

“It’s cool,” Jensen forced his voice under control, “now come and eat before the eggs get cold.”

Both men ate well and drank coffee together sitting out on the veranda; the fall sunshine was really warm, the light dappling through the leaves to fill the little clearing with a golden glow. Jensen had never been more glad of his decision to come here.

As soon as they’d finished eating though, Jared stood up, “Thank you again, you’ve been really kind.”

  
Almost before Jensen realized what was happening the other man had gathered up his belongings and, whistling to the dogs, was striding off into the forest.

Jensen found that he was sorry to see him go.

  


  
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[next](http://violetknights.livejournal.com/27188.html)


	3. The oubliette gave a whole new meaning t

  
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_The oubliette gave a whole new meaning to the word dark, he thought wryly, no light seeped in from above so there was nothing for his eyes to adjust to. The only sound was a dank, drip, drip, drip of water but he’d run his hand over the rock for hours and couldn’t find anything more than a mere crack for the moisture to seep through._

 _Justin knew that time was running out, not so much for himself, he knew that he could last several days without food and the water would sustain him for a little while. No, his concern now was focused entirely on his companions, he didn’t know if Derek had survived the crash and he dreaded to think what would happen to Deborah now. It was less then two days to the solstice and the cultists had made their plans for her all too clear.”_

Jensen happily clicked save on the document before transferring it to the data key as back-up. He was over halfway through the novel now and Sophia had already told him that Kripke wanted an option on the movie rights. The biggest advance he’d ever received was in an investment account waiting for him to decide what to do with it. He’d also written a novella and had several ideas that he wanted to try to sell to Sophia as a collection of short stories. She’d pretty much said he could write his own ticket as far as the publishers went so there shouldn’t be a problem.

The short stories were giving Jensen the chance to explore themes and motivations of his characters in a whole new way. He happily spent his days walking and his evenings working as he regained his equilibrium. He had also written a long letter of thanks to his Mama for the part she had played in his decision to leave the city.

  


  
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The nightmares come back as bad as ever, filling his mind with remembered horrors once more. It had been silly really to think one night’s peace meant that they were gone for good.

He went back to walking in the night and trying to avoid sleep as much as possible but somehow he found that his night-time meanderings often led him back to Jensen’s cabin. He guessed if anyone knew they’d think it was weird or creepy but somehow he took comfort in knowing that Jensen was in there, sleeping safely behind the wall.

He’d sit with his back against the rough wood of the cabin and wait for the dawn to break, wishing he had the courage to knock on the door, to ask Jensen to take away the pain again, to help him sleep. But since he couldn’t this was the next best thing. To doze separated by just a few logs and if one night he slept and the nightmares did make him call out, well maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if Jensen came out and found him.

  


  
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Nearly a week had gone by without Jensen spotting Jared again but he found himself looking for the other man during his daily rambles. So far he had only seen a couple of the locals that he recognized from Friday nights at Sam’s and some students on a late season camp out.

Unusually for him, Jensen had woken early that morning so he’d left just after dawn to go for a hike through the forest. He’d grown confident enough now to leave the trail for short periods now although he was very careful to keep track of where he was.

Now though, Jensen was lost in his own head as he walked, trying to pick through a particularly tricky plot hole. He’d made the situation so unbearably hopeless that there didn’t seem to be any way of getting his protagonist free. He was going over and over the descriptions he’d written of the oubliette in which his hero had been imprisoned as he wondered again just how to get the man free, with his sidekick in hospital and his love interest tied to an altar about to be sacrificed.

Suddenly he stumbled over a twisted tree root and fell forward, landing into a patch of brambles. He cursed and tried to pull himself free when he saw that he wasn’t alone, lying hidden by the undergrowth lay one of Jared’s dogs. It was the smaller one, Sadie. For a horrible moment Jensen thought she was dead but then she gave a little whine and opened her eyes to look mournfully at him.

Scrambling to his feet, Jensen tried to pull the brambles out of the way but only succeed in scratching his hands and arms. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I’m gonna get you out of here, it’s gonna be okay.” Her mouth was frothed and bloody so he carefully dripped some water from his water bottle onto her tongue. She lapped it gratefully and Jensen kept up his litany of soothing words as he rummaged through his pack for something useful.

Finding his pocket knife Jensen began hacking at the undergrowth, his hands were scratched to hell but he hardly noticed, the poor creature seemed so weak his only concern was to find out what was wrong with her. As he pulled the brambles out of the way exposing more of her body he found she was caught in an animal trap, its powerful, evil jaws gripping her hind leg and severing the flesh as deep as the bone. Blood on the trap showed where she had damaged her poor mouth trying to gnaw her way free. He choked back a sob as he dropped to her side, “Oh sweetheart, hang on in there, I’m so sorry this might hurt more for a minute.” Taking a deep breath he pried the cruel jaws apart and immediately her leg began oozing blood.

Thinking grimly that he was now really grateful for his time in the boy scouts, Jensen took off his jacket and flannel shirt. He tore the shirt into strips and tried to bandage the damaged limb as gently as he could, the poor creature was barely conscious, too weak to move, Jensen knew he’d have no chance trying to carry her out and yet he didn’t want to leave her alone. He was afraid she might drag herself deeper into the undergrowth, or worse, that the evil monster who’d set this despicable thing might come back.

Using his jacket and a couple of tree branches Jensen improvised a travois and carefully lifted Sadie onto it, the remainder of his shirt served as a safety belt to hold her in place. He tied his pack onto the bottom to support her and make sure she didn’t slide around too much. As an afterthought he threw the cruel trap into the top of the pack, not wanting to leave it where it could be used again.

It was a good two hours hike back to the cabin but he didn’t know how to find Jared so it was still his best option to get her there and into the truck. Sam would be able to help him, tell him where to find a vet. Poor Sadie was so still, so quiet as he walked, he just prayed he’d be able to get her to help in time.

Jensen made the trip as quickly as he could. As soon as he was back on the main path he jogged back to the cabin and realized how much fitter he was since he first came here. Sadie whined a little occasionally and, while Jensen was sorry to know she was still suffering at least it meant she was still alive. He loaded her into the truck and made the journey to Sam’s as rapidly as was possible.

“Sam! Hey, Sam!” he called as he hurried into the store. It was empty and he guessed she was in the side kitchen getting lunch. “Sam!” he yelled again and she came hurrying through.

“What’s the matter? Jensen, honey, are you okay?”

“It’s Sadie,” he gasped breathlessly, “I need a vet, she’s hurt really bad!”

“Nearest vet is two hours away, where is she?”

“In the truck, she’s been caught in a trap.”

“Aw, Jesus! Them things are just nasty! Okay, Jensen. Bring her in, through the kitchen and out to the back – there’s a little laundry room that I use if I need to stitch anyone up. I’ll go scrub my hands and find a suture kit.” As Jensen hurried to obey her he could hear her yelling for JD, and by the time he got to the truck JD was running round from the yard to help him carry Sadie in.

  
Sam efficiently set out the tools she’d need and wiped Sadie’s leg with disinfectant as she waited for the morphine to take effect. Slowly she unwound Jensen’s makeshift bandages. JD watched for a moment as the full effect of the damage became apparent.

“Where did you find her?” he said abruptly and Jensen did his best to explain. “You carried her all that way?” he asked suspiciously and once again Jensen felt there was much more to the man than first appearances suggested.

“I built a travois and hauled her back as far as my cabin,” he admitted. “I kept the trap, I didn’t want to leave it for . . . whoever it was to use again.“

“Where?” Jensen realized that the man’s abrasiveness was not rudeness, rather he was trying to get to the heart of things as rapidly as possible.

“It’s in my pack; I left it all on the travois outside the cabin.”

JD nodded approvingly, “Okay, I’ll get it on my way to find Jared. I might be a while, honey, Jim and I will get this stopped . . . now!”

Sam nodded and JD disappeared out to Jim’s yard. Jensen watched helplessly as Sam worked to stitch up the damaged tissue, layer after layer of minute stitches as Sam pulled the leg back into shape. “The bone’s broken too,” she muttered, more to herself than Jensen. “I’ll have to splint it, I can’t plaster it like this.”

A couple of times they heard the door to the store open and Jensen went to deal with customers without waiting to be told. The third time the door went and Jensen went to the store it was Jared. “Where is she?” he gasped. His voice was trembling and he looked even more haggard and exhausted than before. “I lost her last night, I’ve been calling for hours, JD said . . .”

“She’s doing okay,” Jensen reassured, “Sam’s taking care of her.”

Sam finished up quickly and shooed the two men into the kitchen, she obviously used her home kitchen to double up as the one for the store, and it held all the comforts Jensen expected though the fridge and range cooker were much bigger than in a domestic kitchen.

Jared sank onto a chair at the scrubbed, pine table. His eyes were filled with fear, he was muttering something under his breath and he looked pale and clammy. Jensen guessed he was going into shock and was glad that it was him who’d found Sadie, seen her at her worst rather than Jared.

Sam washed her hands as she came back into the kitchen and gave Jared a reassuring smile. “She’s going to be okay, honey. I’ll keep her here and let her sleep off the meds for a couple of days. As soon as the wound starts to heal we can get her leg put in plaster and you can take her home with you.”

Jared nodded and managed a tiny smile. Jensen noticed for the first time that he’d obviously been making an effort to keep his beard trimmed and his hair tied back. He reached out and clumsily patted Jared’s arm. Jared gasped and pulled away, his eyes growing wide with fright. “Blood! Blood!”

“Good grief, Jensen!” Sam scolded, “Have you been serving my customers with your hands like that?” Jensen looked down in surprise, he’d been running on adrenaline since he’d first found Sadie and hadn’t noticed the state of his arms but as soon as Sam drew his attention to them they began to throb. He hadn’t noticed quite how badly his flesh had been scratched and torn by the brambles.

Jensen cast an agonized look at Jared who was shaking with fear, his eyes wild and staring. “I’ll look after him, go and wash – gently and I’ll take a look, see if anything needs stitching.”

  
By the time he came back Sam was serving in the store and Jared was calmer, his hands wrapped round a steaming mug of coffee, “Sorry,” he apologized immediately, “I didn’t mean to freak out at you, it’s been a long night.”

“It’s cool,” Jensen smiled. “I should have noticed before.” He held out his hands for inspection. “See? They looked worse than they really were. I guess hauling Sadie around made them bleed more than they would have otherwise.”

“I can’t ever thank you enough, for what you did for Sadie. Sam told me how far you carried her and everything.”

Jensen sat beside Jared and picked up the mug of coffee Sam had left on the table for him. “I couldn’t have done anything else; it was breaking my heart to see her suffer like that. I don’t know how anyone could use such a terrible thing.” Jensen felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him as the morning’s events began to sink in but he felt he owed it to Jared to give a brief explanation of what had happened.

Tentatively Jared reached out his hand and placed it on Jensen’s arm. “I guess the famous pocket knife finally came in useful, huh?” There was a gentle humor in Jared’s words that warmed Jensen through to the core. Jensen understood that Jared was apologizing again for shying away from him earlier and he smiled back at the younger man, allowing himself to briefly cover Jared’s hand with his own. He knew he shouldn’t let himself get too involved with this man, he was so fragile and damaged but Sam had said he needed a friend and friendship would be good. He hadn’t let anyone new into his life for a very long time.

“I knew someone was poaching deer.” Jared said, “I didn’t know that’s what they were using though. It’s just senseless, causing suffering for the sake of it.”

Sam came in time to catch the end of the conversation. “You two don’t need to worry about that now,” she said grimly. “JD’s gone to put a stop to it. You know he feels the same way about traps as you do, Jared. Now, if you two have drunk your coffee you can give me my kitchen back. I’m all behind on the food for Friday night. Sadie’s gonna sleep till tomorrow anyway, Jared. Come back and see her then.”

Jared nodded but went to sit with the animal for a moment anyway, cradling her head gently between his huge hands and murmuring softly into her ear.

  


  
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Jensen kept himself busy during the week following the incident with Sadie. He wished he knew where the other man lived so he could have gone to see him, gone to see how Sadie was doing. He’d asked Sam on Friday night and she’d assured him that the dog was doing well and Jared had taken her home that morning. He’d kept an eye out for Jared and Harley but hadn’t spotted them in any of their usual haunts.

There had been an email from Sophia saying Kripke wanted to make the movie of ‘The End of the World as We Know It’ and the publishers would give him a $500,000 dollar advance on the short story collection if he wanted to go ahead with it. There had also been an email from Steve saying they were coming to stay for the night on Wednesday, the new CD was in the can but they couldn’t stay away for long because they had a couple of gigs at the weekend.

Jensen had spent the week writing frantically, trying to polish what he’d written so far of the novel and setting down the first couple of short stories. He was hoping maybe Chris and Steve would take a look. He trusted them to tell him if it was all just self-indulgent crap or whether it was worth going on with. He valued their opinion more than all his editors, proof-readers and publishers put together.

  
Jensen had asked Sam to get in some steaks for him and he was really excited as he heard their car arrive. To his surprise there were three men in the car.

“Sorry,” drawled Chris. “Mayhem was so miserable we felt sorry for him and brought him along.”

Chad saluted with a wry smile. “Hey, dude! I was going a bit stir crazy so the guys said I could tag along.” As he hauled himself out of the car Jensen could see he was still in a supportive foot brace and on crutches.

“Yeah, yeah!” Jensen grinned, “You totally just want to take advantage of my magic fingers!”

Chris slapped him on the back and then gave him a brief hug. “Of course he does! Now – what have you got planned for our night of excitement!”

Jensen took them inside and showed them round the cabin, he’d put Steve and Chris in his room with the double bed, but now he felt obliged to let Chad have the single bed in the tiny spare room. Chad made a half-hearted protest but Jensen insisted. “It’s cool,” he grinned, “I’ve slept in the chair before, it’s pretty comfy actually.”

The evenings were still warm for the season but Jensen dragged a brazier into the clearing in front of the cabin and Chris and Steve went for a walk to find some fallen branches and sticks to make a fire. Jensen put potatoes in the oven to bake and made a salad, Chad sat and watched him and made smart comments. Jensen felt very at home in such familiar company but part of him found he was missing the quiet, easy companionship he felt when Jared was around.

  
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Steve saluted Jensen with his beer bottle, “Meat, beer and fire! What more could any man want!”

Chris nodded his agreement, “Yeah, this is the life,” he drawled. “We’ll have to try and get away for longer next time.”

The fire was dying down nicely and they were all feeling very full and content. They’d dragged the chairs outside to sit round the fire, each man had a beer and the conversation was flowing. Jensen couldn’t help but notice that Chad was unusually quiet, “Is your foot hurting?” he asked softly and Chad nodded. Shoving his chair round, Jensen sat so he could carefully lift Chad’s foot in to his lap and undo the Velcro of his protective brace. Jensen rubbed his hands together to warm them before beginning a very gentle massage to ease out the tension in the muscles and stimulate the blood flow.

Steve began to play his guitar and after a few moments Chris began to sing. It was very soft and peaceful under the stars and Jensen felt like it was one of those precious moments he wanted to preserve forever like a fly in amber.

“It’s more than just the pain,” Chad said abruptly, his voice little more than a whisper and Jensen looked up in surprise. Chad was always the clown of the group, the butt of the jokes, even more so when Mike wasn’t around.

“What’s the matter?” Jensen asked sympathetically, leaning in closer to hear his muttered response.

“It’s the anniversary of . . . one of my goddaughters died a year ago. She’d been suffering for so long it was kind of a blessing really but I can’t help thinking about her, tonight . . . well, it’s just hard, that’s all.”

“I remember you weren’t around for a while, you never said why though.” Jensen kept his hands gentle and steady on Chad’s ankle, he was saddened by the other man’s story and was at a loss as to how he should respond. “How terrible for her parents,” he murmered weakly, feeling his response to be pathetically inadequate.

“You don’t know the half of it.” Still speaking quietly so as not to attract attention from Chris and Steve who were still singing Chad continued, “Her mom was killed in the same tragedy where Daisy was injured, her Dad lost his mind over it. He was my best friend in high school.”

He finally looked at Jensen, his eyes clouded, “he . . . my best friend . . . it was him who . . .” he shook his head gently. “It doesn’t matter.” Tipping back his beer he drained it and looked up at the stars. “God bless you little one, wherever you are.”

Jensen felt himself choked, he didn’t know what to say in the face of his friend’s uncharacteristic showing of his true feelings. He continued to work on his foot, hoping that Chad would take comfort in the simple relief of his physical pain.

The four friends chatted softly well into the night until Steve decided they ought to get some sleep or he’d never be up to the drive back in the morning.

Jensen found himself strangely unnerved by Chad’s story, the tragic death of a child he’d never met haunted him for some reason, he was reluctant to settle down. He busied himself around the cabin, clearing up and setting out things ready for breakfast for some time before he finally wrapped himself in a quilt and tried to settle down in the chair. After half an hour he finally gave up trying to sleep and decided to go sit back out by the fire again.

When he opened the door he saw immediately that someone had re-stoked it because the flames were burning brightly again, a small heap of wood piled beside it. As he got closer he could see Jared was sitting there, alone in the dark. “Hey,” Jensen said softly.

  
“I couldn’t bring Harley, didn’t want Sadie to be on her own.” Jared’s face was shadowed and his eyes were dark. His voice was a low monotone that sounded as though it was coming from a very long way away. “I let all my girls down, left them all alone, I let Sadie down too. She was on her own, too long . . . too long . . .”

Jensen dropped to the ground beside Jared, “Hey, it’s okay. Sadie wasn’t on her own, I was there for her. I’d like to be here for you too if you’ll let me.”  
Jared looked into Jensen's face with a gaze so intense Jensen felt almost as though he was burning. He didn’t know how this strange man had come to mean so much to him so soon but he did know he would do anything to take away his pain.

Tentatively Jensen held out his hand and Jared gripped it fiercely, clasped him like he was drowning and Jensen was the only one who could save him.  
“I let them all down,” he muttered again, “All my girls, let them down, left them alone. They’re gone, gone to the darkness.” His voice was nothing but a broken, anguished whisper.

Jensen leaned into him as close as he dared. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised.

They watched the fire burn down to embers once more, both sitting in silence, Jensen felt the anguish rolling off his friend in waves but he knew there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say to ease Jared’s suffering. He could only hold onto him, and hope he could find his way back from the pit of despair that he seemed to be lost in.

As the sun began to rise over the lake Jared let out a sigh and gently released Jensen’s hand. “Thank you,” he said softly. “I always seem to be thanking you. I have to get back, see if Sadie needs any more pain meds. Do you want to come and see how she’s doing soon?”

Jensen nodded, “I’d like that.” He said simply. Jared nodded and loped off up towards the trail. His gait was stiff and Jensen realized that the man actually had quite a bad limp. He wondered for about the millionth time what Jared’s story was; though he guessed he was moving slowly further down the line and was closer to finding out than he had been before.

  
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[next](http://violetknights.livejournal.com/27604.html)

  



	4. From: sera@manners&gamble.comTo: ja.horr

From: sera@manners&gamble.com  
To: ja.horrorking@aol.com

Dear Jensen,

Sophia gave me your e-mail address, hope you don’t mind. My client, Tristan Padalecki has sent a message to you thanking you sincerely for supporting his work. In recognition of your patronage he has sent you an exclusive picture. I have attached a copy of the picture but will keep the framed original safe until I receive your instructions as to where you would like it sent.

Yours faithfully, Sera Gamble

P.S. Wow! That is so cool, the man is human after all! Sophia sends her love and told me to remind you again if you don’t come back on the 18th for the Time interview she’s gonna kick your ass.

PPS That’s the weekend of the Padalecki show opening so I’ll save a couple of tickets for you just in case. Hope to see you there, S xxx

The picture showed the sunset over a lake with some egrets standing in one-legged silhouette to one side. Jensen thought it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

  
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_“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”_

 _The little girl chanted the words over and over in a dull-voiced monotone as she rocked backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, the wicked curved blade lying in her lap and catching the light from his flashlight._

 _It was so dark in the room, Police Officer Tigerman struggled to see what she was sitting on and he edged closer though his heart pounded in his chest and adrenaline brought a sour taste to his mouth. “Sweetheart? Give the knife to me sweetie, it’s okay, we’re here to help. We know what your daddy has been doing to you, it’s okay now.”_

 _She didn’t interrupt her eerie, off key chanting for a minute, “Mirror, mirror on the wall . . .” and it was starting to give Tigerman the creeps._

 _“Come on sweetie, give me the knife, we need to get you somewhere safe.” As he spoke she started laughing hysterically and he had to remind himself that she was just a little girl because it sounded so ghastly and unearthly._

 _At that moment the lights flickered back on and she stood up, the knife clattered to the floor and as she reached bloodstained hands out to Tigerman, he realized just what it was she had been sitting on._

  
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(From ‘Dark mirror, Dark Soul’ the latest novel turned screenplay by award winning author, Jensen Ackles. It has just been filmed by Director Eric Kripke and reunites Buffy’s James Marsters and Sarah Michelle-Gellar in the lead roles. It is scheduled for release on 31st October.)

  
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Although it was only just after dawn when Jensen stepped out on to the porch for some fresh air before starting to write for the day Jared was already waiting for him. The other man was obviously anxious and fidgeted nervously. As he spoke he stared at the ground as though he was afraid to see Jensen's reaction,

“I wondered if . . . there’s something I thought you might like to see,” he stammered, “then come and see how Sadie’s doing? . . . I mean it’s okay, if you’re too busy . . . or . . . “

”Hey, that’d be great, I’d really like that!” Jensen interrupted quickly. “Hang on while I get my jacket.”

Jensen followed Jared through the forest towards the creek, chatting softly to try and put the other man at ease.

“Ssssh!” Jared brought his finger to his lips and Jensen looked at him curiously, “I’ve been watching this place for days figuring out where to get the best shot,” he explained in a soft whisper. “There’s a herd of deer that come past here and down to the water most days and I really need to get some good shots in today.”

Jensen swallowed nervously, torn between curiosity to learn more about this enigmatic man and his repugnance for anything involving guns. “Uh, I dunno, man,” he stammered nervously. “Maybe I better go and leave you to it. I don’t do too well around stuff like that.”

Jared quirked an eyebrow and the ghost of a smile flickered across his lips. “I’ll protect you if there’s anything too gross,” he muttered dryly, another indication of the man’s gentle humor that made Jensen increasingly intrigued by the other man’s character.

Jensen thought about it for a minute, it would all be more inspiration after all and he had seen some pretty terrible things in his time; he could always close his eyes for the moment of the actual shooting. Somehow he instinctively felt safe with Jared, had felt an odd little glow inside when Jared had said he would protect him. “Okay,” he agreed. “Yeah, tell me what you want me to do.”

Stealthily Jared made his way through the trees and bushes. He hardly seemed to notice as a bramble tore across his cheek and left a small trail of blood to trickle down his face and into his beard. Jensen tried to follow quietly but couldn’t help the tiny noises that escaped him as small branches cracked beneath his feet and the dry leaves rustled around his ankles. By contrast Jared moved as silently as a ghost, barely seeming to leave any impression on the ground behind him.

When they reached the clearing near the edge of the creek Jared stopped and indicated a clump of bushes. “In there,” he murmured. Jensen knew that all his senses had been heightened by the long time spent in solitude and the lack of background noise and he was grateful because the other man’s voice was barely even a whisper.

As Jensen cautiously approached the undergrowth he realized that in fact it was a skillfully constructed hide. Branches and leaves had been woven together to provide a snug little den which gave a perfect vantage point to overlook the creek at the point where the bank was lowest. Jared slung his backpack on to the floor and dragged a second log over to the viewing window made by the spaces he had left in the branches. Jensen watched in fascination as Jared reached into the backpack and drew out a camera. Jensen let out a breathless shaky laugh, “Oh thank God! When you said you wanted to get a good shot I thought you . . . I’m so sorry, I should have known better.”

Calm hazel eyes gazed at him steadily and for a moment Jensen felt almost dizzy with the depth of torment and pain he could see reflected in them. “There are so many reasons why I wouldn’t touch a weapon,” Jared said seriously. “I spend all my days surrounded by this beauty, staying here where I only see nature and life but it still doesn’t stop.” Jared’s voice trembled and his skin had gone pale. “Nothing replaces the cycle of blood and fire and horror I see in front of my eyes whenever they close.”

Jared choked on his words and tried to suppress the surge of emotion that threatened to overtake him. It proved impossible and the torrent of pain dragged him down again despite Jensen’s presence. Jared covered his face with his hands and began rocking backwards and forwards, silent, dry sobs shaking his wiry frame.

Jensen watched him for a moment then almost of their own volition Jensen found his arms reaching out to touch the other man. One hand on Jared’s shoulder, the other rubbing his back as he murmured a stream of semi-nonsense, not sure really what he was saying but only aware that he couldn’t bear the thought of the other man’s suffering.

Finally Jared calmed. “Sorry, fuck! I’m so sorry,” he muttered and made a half hearted attempt to pull away. Jensen didn’t want to let him go and Jared didn’t struggle but sagged back into his arms. Neither of them spoke, Jensen knew that what he was feeling was way beyond words. He could see that Jared was obviously suffering but was afraid to push, to ask him about the blood and the horrors, he was afraid of what the answer might be.

A hesitant shuffling sound alerted them to the herd’s arrival, Jared pulled away quickly, wiping his face with his sleeve. He drew in a deep shaky breath and began to make some adjustments to his camera. Rapidly he began to click off several shots and Jensen was amazed at the ease with which Jared handled the high tech equipment. It was a shock to Jensen to realize that Jared was using a state of the art digital camera and he couldn’t help wondering where this shambolic creature could have got it from. It was just another thing in the long list of anomalies about Jared that was drawing Jensen to become increasingly fascinated by him.

Jensen watched in silent amazement as Jared took picture after picture, sometimes sitting entirely motionless as the animals shifted their positions, sometimes moving from one side of the hide to the other as he tracked a particular animal with the camera. Considering how emotional he’d been only a short time before Jared now seemed to be concentrating on the graceful creatures outside with his whole being.

Finally, when the animals had drunk their fill they began to wander through the stream and up the bank on the other side. After several more minutes Jared photographed the last of the deer as it leapt the bank and hurried out of sight, then he stashed his Camera back in his pack. “Do you still want to come back and see Sadie?” he asked hesitantly.

“Sure,” Jensen agreed quickly. “It’d be grest to see how she’s getting on.”

  
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Jensen followed Jared into the cabin trying not to state as he surreptitiously compared it to the one he was staying in. It was, if anything, slightly larger than his own and he was surprised at how neat and tidy it was. The main room was dominated by a handmade wooden table which was scattered with a litter of drawings and photographs, there was a fire burning low in the grate and the dogs lay curled together on a rug in front of it. Sadie lifted her head and began to thump her tail as they came in. Jensen hung up his jacket and indicated to Jensen that he should do the same.

Jared set his camera on the table and offered to get coffee while Jensen chatted to Sadie. The dog was obviously doing well and she licked his hand affectionately as he crouched down to talk to her. He soon found there was only so much small talk you could make with a dog and he tossed another couple of logs onto the fire before he moved over to sit at the table.

Jensen glanced at the hand drawn sketches that were nearest him, most were of the dogs but a couple showed a petite, pretty woman smiling, her long hair blowing about her face. Intrigued he picked one up and studied it intently. She looked tired but radiantly happy, was obviously looking at someone or something just out of sight that filled her with joy. It was the love and happiness that radiated from her that added an almost angelic loveliness to her heart shaped face.

  
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The pictures were smudged and had obviously been handled many, many times. It suddenly felt like a terrible invasion of Jared’s privacy to be looking at them like this. Putting them down hurriedly Jensen looked at the photographs, it took him a moment to realize they were strangely familiar, as he studied them with dawning recognition he was suddenly aware that Jared was watching him. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have. . . I didn’t mean to pry, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jared said quietly, “If I hadn’t wanted you to see them I’d have put them away before I brought you here. She . . . she was my wife.” He set Jensen’s mug on the table beside him and sat down near him, Jensen could feel the heat of Jared’s gaze on his face as he pushed another photograph closer for him to inspect. It was almost identical to the one in Sera’s e-mail, it showed the lake and the egrets but the lighting was just a little different.

“I took that one two minutes two soon,” Jared said carefully, still watching Jensen for any sign of a reaction. “Your one was just right, I wanted it to be perfect for you.”

“Oh!” Jensen breathed out softly. Thoughts flitting across his mind too fast to form into words. “ **You** did this? I mean you took my photo, I mean **you** took the pictures I have.”

Jared smiled and dipped his head shyly, “yeah. . . . my . . . they told me you’d bought some. It made me . . . happy that you liked them.” Jared picked his words carefully, and Jensen thought how Jared always spoke like that, as though every sound he made had to be considered and not a single one wasted.

“Will you come to my cabin this evening?” Jensen asked suddenly. “I mean I’d like to cook for you, say thank you for my picture and for showing me the Deer. They were so beautiful.”

“I’d like that,” Jared’s eyes met Jensen’s briefly before flicking to the pictures on the table again. Reverently he picked up the drawings and tucked them into a folder then pushed some of the photos over to Jensen so he could inspect them further.

“These are . . . the rejects I guess, only not so bad I just deleted them. Just not got the something special that makes me want to do the blow-ups. Not many pictures can survive being made six feet tall and still be interesting.”

Jensen was aware that Jared was watching him carefully, he guessed this was the first time his friend had talked about his work in a very long time. He picked up the picture nearest him, one which showed the creek with some overhanging branches; like Jared said it was a nice picture but . . .

“It hasn’t got the magic!” he said suddenly and Jared let out a little sigh of relief. “You understand.”

“My picture . . . I mean the first one I bought, it was magic. I could see it in every sparkle on the water, every hint of a shadow hidden in the trees. It’s why I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it.”

Jared nodded, a smile of understanding quirking his lips, he was still reluctant to talk, but he seemed to be relaxed and at ease with Jensen’s presence in his home.

They sat in companionable silence as they finished their drinks then Jensen stood up reluctantly. “I guess I’d better get going if you want anything more than Mac and cheese for supper.”

Jared smiled suddenly, so that his face lit up. “Actually, I prefer rice-a –roni!” he teased.

Jensen felt something inside him twist, he wanted nothing more than to make Jared smile like that always. “I’ll give Sam a call,” he promised. “I’m sure she’ll come up with something a bit more edible than that.”

  


  
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Jensen pottered happily around the cabin as he prepared for Jared’s visit. This was the first time Jared had come to se him by invitation and Jensen wanted everything to be perfect. Gently he chided himself to remember that this was just a social visit, the man was straight and quite possibly seriously disturbed as well for God’s sake! Still, he was the first new friend Jensen had made since Misha and the fact that he’d managed to get through Jensen’s carefully constructed defenses had to count for something.

Jensen found himself whistling as he mixed up the marinade for the chicken and put chopped potatoes and onions to make the salad. He’d had a good day today, enjoyed his time with Jared despite Jared’s distress in the hide. For the most part Jared had been intelligent and articulate and Jensen had relished being in his company.

The revelation that Jared was the gifted artist who had created Jensen’s photographs had been harder to come to terms with. In fact the whole day had made Jensen feel a little off kilter, had thrown all his preconceived ideas about Jared out of the window. Now he’d had time to get used to the idea he found he was stupidly grateful for the fact that he’d found Jared and had begun to win his trust and friendship.

Jensen took a beer out onto the porch to wait for Jared in the mellow warmth of the evening sunshine. When he got outside he found that there was a chill to the air that hadn’t been present before and Jensen realized with a shock how long he’d been staying at the cabin already. The forthcoming weekend he was due to be back in LA for the publicity things that Sophia had arranged, it was the opening night of Jared’s new exhibition too. The days had slipped by into weeks and months and he’d barely even noticed in his newly discovered peace and enjoyment of his simplified life.

Suddenly Jared was striding towards him out of the gloom; he looked happier, more tranquil than Jensen had ever seen him and he accepted the beer that Jensen offered gratefully. “I took Harley for a run,” he volunteered, “It felt good, I haven’t done that in a long time.”

Jensen grinned, “Bet he enjoyed it too. I haven’t been for a run in ages. I still think my stamina is better that when I was in LA though; I walk for miles here. The air is better too.”

Jared looked at him wistfully; “I lived in LA . . . before. I used to run the dogs in the park and . . . and . . .” His sentence ended abruptly and he cast an uncertain look at Jensen, seeing how the other man would react.

Jensen gave a gentle smile, wanting Jared to realize that he was free to talk or not as he chose. “I have to say I’m not missing it at all. It was starting to make me ill I think; so many people, so much pollution in the air. When I came out here I felt like I could breath again.”

Jared nodded his understanding. “The air here is good, that’s why we . . . “ Again he left his sentence unfinished but didn’t seem to feel awkward about it this time, just accepted that there weren’t the words to say what he needed to say. He gave Jensen a little half smile. “The food smells good.”

“Let’s go in, see if it’s ready.” Jensen said with a smile and ushered Jared into the cabin. Without really thinking about what he was doing, Jensen let his hand rest on the small of Jared’s back as he guided him forward. Jared hesitated for s moment and Jensen was worried in case he’d overstepped the boundaries of their friendship but then Jared turned to him with a shy smile. “No one else touches me but you.”

It was relaxing just being with Jared, Jensen thought. He was easy going and undemanding, appreciative of everything Jensen had cooked and seemingly content to sit back and let Jensen talk. It was strange for Jensen to be the focus of someone’s undivided attention like that. Usually when he was hanging out with the guys he was the audience as Mike or Chad held court or Steve and Chris sang. Jensen told Jared about his friends and their forthcoming album and put one of their old CD’s on in the background as they chatted.

As the evening wore on Jensen remembered again about the opening for Jared’s show. Tentatively he mentioned to Jared that he was going, watching carefully to see the other man’s reaction. “If you wanted to you could maybe come with me,” he offered. “I mean, I understand that you’ve not been up to the city for a while, you wouldn’t have to go as you.” He added hurriedly. Jared looked a little taken a back by the suggestion but curious too and he didn’t dismiss the suggestion.

“I mean, just come incognito, as my guest,” Jensen suggested. “If you could see how good your work looks when it’s framed and lit properly. Jared it’s phenomenal!” Jared still didn’t respond but looked like he was lost in thought. “I’ll have a couple of publicity things to do but you can just chill out at my apartment if you don’t feel like coming with me. I bet Sam would look after the dogs.”

Jensen didn’t know how a fleeting idea had suddenly morphed into something so important, he really wanted Jared to come with him. All at once the thought of gong alone left Jensen feeling totally cold. He tried to keep his smile friendly and unthreatening, not wanting to hassle Jared into coming. Really he wanted to be on his knees, begging and pleading with Jared to come with him.

He was still more than a little surprised when Jared agreed.

  


  
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_She knows he’s watching her again, she can’t remember the last time she’d been free of his surveillance. Long ago she’d given up calling the police, they thought she was deluded or attention seeking or both._

 _Now she scurried around in her house, crouched low beneath the windows, knowing that even keeping the drapes closed all day won’t really help. The house was a mess where she’d torn it apart looking for the tiny cameras she knew he used to watch her._

 _It didn’t make any difference; he was still there. In her crazier moments she wondered if he had tapped into spy satellites or could see through the walls somehow._

 _Trying hard to break her routines, making herself small and insignificant she lived in terror of the day when watching would no longer be enough._ From Hoodoo Honey, one of the new short stories in the first collection of short stories and novellas from Jensen Ackles entitled “Ultra Violent, Infra dead!"

 _This is my second interview with Jensen Ackles and I have to say that once again I am completely under his spell. He is the perfect gentleman as he orders afternoon tea in the hotel lounge where we meet. He is charming and sweet as he pours Tea and orders more cakes. He is open and frank about the recent problems he’s been having with writer’s block, but reassures all his readers that he is over it now and has not one but two books in the pipelines. A new novel in his traditional horror genre and in a departure from his usual style, a book of short stories although even these explore the darker side of life and the human psyche._

  


  
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Jared seemed to be completely unaware of his body. When he first came out of the shower he had wandered around wearing just a towel for half an hour and now he was dressed only in a shirt and boxers as he rummaged through the fridge in search of something to eat. Jensen was torn between being pleased that his friend had settled in so quickly and wanting to shove him up against the nearest wall and kiss him till he passed out. He’d spent most of the morning trying to hide his arousal, Jared was his friend and Jensen didn’t want him to think he’d brought him here to try and take advantage of him or anything.

It didn’t help that Jared had decided he needed a new look to come back to LA and shaved off his beard to reveal a chiselled jaw and entrancing dimples that appeared on the rare occasions that he smiled. Jensen had found himself working overtime during the drive up, doing anything he could to make Jared laugh just so he could get another flash of those dimples.

As Jared turned away from the fridge he staggered and fell as his leg gave way from under him. All sexual thoughts forgotten Jensen was at his side in an instant. Jared tried to brush him off. “I’m fine, it’s just a muscle spasm, it’ll pass,” he muttered. As always he seemed embarrassed at the display of weakness. Gently Jensen pried Jared’s fingers away from his thigh. Although he knew that Jared had a bad leg he’d never seen the injury before. The top of his thigh was practically bisected by a raised purple scar that looked at though his leg had nearly been sliced in two. “Jesus, man! What the fuck happened?” he couldn’t help his exclamation. “God! I’m sorry,” he apologized immediately, “I shouldn’t be so nosy, lets get you onto the couch where you’ll be more comfortable then I’ll have a go at working the cramp out . . . if you want me to.”

Jared leaned on Jensen as he limped over to the couch and lowered himself onto the sofa, Jensen maneuvered himself so he could work on Jared’s leg, after a few minutes he could feel Jared relaxing, a small sigh escaped his lips.

“Jensen, you do so much for me. I . . . it’s a story I’ve never told anyone . . . I want to tell you, I do . . . but. . . ” He shook his head dumbly, words were still something to be picked with caution and not to be trusted.

“Hey, it’s cool, tell me when you’re ready, okay?” Jensen smiled reassuringly, his hands still resting on Jared’s leg. “I will,” Jared promised, covering Jensen’s hand with his own. “I’ll tell you tonight . . . if I can, but if I start now I’ll never be able to cope with going to the show.”

Jensen nodded, he felt almost awed by the amount of trust Jared had in him, and it made him feel even guiltier for ever having sexual thoughts about him.

  


  
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When they got to the show Sophia and Sera greeted them at the door, Jensen introduced Jared as a friend he’d met whilst on vacation and Sophia leered at him knowingly. Jared seemed oblivious to it though, he was too busy gazing in wonder at the trendy gallery that Sera had chosen. It was modern without being too stark and had vast display spaces, which showed off the photographs to their full extent. The open spaces and discrete lighting displayed to perfection how beautifully Jared had captured every nuance of each scene.

Once Jared had looked at each picture and seen for himself how good they looked enlarged and framed, Jared and Jensen stayed in the background. Jared didn’t seem too overawed by the situation but they were both content to sip their champagne and watch peoples reactions, by the end of the first hour a gratifying number of the photos had red stickers on.

Suddenly Jared shrank back, almost as though he was trying to hide behind Jensen. Jensen looked to see what had freaked him out and saw Chad heading towards him with a shocked looking middle aged woman. “Jared! What the hell?” Chad gasped whilst the woman and Jared just stared at each other. Jensen could see that Jared was visibly shaking, his glass slipped through his fingers to shatter on the floor. Jensen put a steadying hand on Jared’s arm, moving to stand protectively in front of him. “Take it easy, Chad.” He warned.

“I don’t understand, I don’t understand . . .” the woman muttered. Yet distraught as she was she seemed to want to comfort Jared, was staring at him as though her heart was breaking. Jensen could see that he wasn’t going to get any sense out of any of them for the moment and he didn’t want to risk Jared going into meltdown in such a public space. Looking round he beckoned Sophia over and asked her if there was anywhere private they could go.

Being her normal, efficient self she had them ensconced in a little office with a fresh pot of coffee in three minutes flat with the minimum of fuss and a hissed “You’d better call and tell me about it tomorrow!”

Jared and the woman sat next to each other and she clasped his hand as though he was going to disappear at any moment, Jared looked white and shaken and despite the smart tuxedo and the new haircut he still looked like the frightened wild man Jensen had first met. His eyes were hollow pools of desperation once more.

“Okay, Chad, spill!” Jensen commanded. “What the hell is going on here?”  
Chad shook his head looking bewildered “Do you even know who this is?” he asked.

Jensen felt like he was suddenly in the middle of a movie where everyone knew the plot except for him. “It’s just Jared, he lives in the next Cabin up the trail from me. I found out by accident that he was the photographer whose work I’d been collecting, we didn’t tell anyone else though. He’d never seen them as enlargements before so I brought him here incognito. Chad, what’s going on?”

Chad sighed and looked over at Jared again with a pained expression. “Jensen, this is the guy who I was telling you about, the night we came down to the Cabin, remember? This is my best friend from high school, the . . . the father of my goddaughter.” As Jensen gasped an “oh!” of surprise Jared suddenly spoke to Chad, is voice a haunted whisper.

“I saw you, I . . . I was there, watching. I didn’t know if it was real or not, I see . . . I see **them** sometimes and . . . I thought maybe something had happened to you too.” After his outburst Jared pulled away from the woman and muttered an anguished “sorry” in her direction before beginning to circle the room like a caged animal. His face was drawing up into the harsh, tight lines that indicated a migraine attack was on its way.

“Look, Chad, Jared hasn’t really spoken to anyone or left the woods in months, I think we just need a little time to process this. Could you maybe call me in the morning?” Jensen suddenly remembered the woman sitting with Jared on the couch, “Um, sorry, I don’t know who you are, I’m ...”

“I know who you are,” she interrupted and her voice was icy. “I’m sorry?” he asked, at a loss to explain why this motherly looking wman would speak to him with such hatred.

“He doesn’t know,” Jared and Chad both said simultaneously. They exchanged glances that held a world of unspoken shared memories and finally managed a small smile of understanding at each other, some of the tension in the room dissipating as they did.

“My mom used to hate it when we did that,” Chad smiled and stood up, “I think she thought we rehearsed it just to wind her up. Sorry, Jensen, This is Hannah McCoy, Jared’s mother-in-law. Come on Hannah, l I think I should take you home. Jared, you need to talk to him if you want him to help you. Jensen, could I please have a word in private?” Jared shot him a piercing glance but just said, “I’ll take Hannah to find her coat, see you out the front?”

The look he gave Jensen was broken and pleading, and Jensen wanted to barricade him in the room and shelter him until everyone else had gone away. Given the circumstances he was only able to lay a gentle hand on Jared’s arm for a moment. “I’ll be with you as soon as I can,” he promised. Jared visibly steeled himself to leave the room with Hannah leading the way and the door snicked softly shut behind them.

“Are you fucking him?” Chad said abruptly.  
Jensen coloured, “What? No! I . . . I’m really not, I swear, he’s my friend, that’s all.”  
Chad relaxed and backed off a little. “Sorry, it’s just. . . he’s the most broken person I know, I truly believe any more pain will kill him, so believe me when I tell you; if you hurt him I will hurt you so bad you’ll think Misha was a choirboy.”

Jensen nodded, glad that Jared wasn’t as on his own as he’d first thought. “I know,” he answered, “It’s not part of the equation in our friendship, I swear.” Jensen smiled softly, hoping to hell that Chad would understand what he was trying to say. As he searched for the words that would convince his friend of his motivations he was blindsided by the realization. “I love him.” He said softly. “I will never do anything to hurt him. I don’t think he even knows I’m gay. He’d tried to isolate himself but he just needed a friend so badly.”

Chad nodded his understanding, “he knows more than you think. It’s his story to tell but I think he needs to, it’s eating him up inside.” Jensen swallowed and felt a sudden rush of affection for the younger man, Chad spent so much time entertaining his friends, acting the fool and chasing one night stands. It had never occurred to Jensen before that it was all just a front, hiding how vulnerable he really was. Jensen folded him into a hug, which Chad tolerated for a moment before pulling away with a shaky smile. “I don’t care how gorgeous your ass is I’m not converting to the other team for you or anyone.” He joked, trying to hide how touched he really was.

When they caught up with Jared and Hannah the two were having a muted discussion. Hannah was clearly asking Jared for something but Jensen only caught the tail end of it. Whatever it was about Jared was clearly at the end of his tether. “I don’t know, I don’t know!” he said, anguish written all over his face.

“Please” Hannah begged. “Please come and see Carrie tomorrow, she needs to see you. She needs her . . .” “Look, Hannah, I’ll talk to Jared.” Jensen interrupted his voice gentle but firm now. “Chad will give you my number and you can call us in the morning but right now he can’t take this, please?”

Reluctantly she nodded and stretched up to gently kiss Jared’s cheek before getting into the Taxi, Chad briefly clasped his friend’s arm but had obviously run out of words for once.

  
In the Cab Jared slumped back against the seat and was so still he was practically catatonic. Jensen wondered again how someone so big could look so small. Jensen wanted to be able to do all the crappy cliché’s he’d never believed in before, protect him and hold him and kiss away the little lines from the corners of his eyes.

He had to settle for placing his hand on Jared’s arm in the dark and hoped that Jared would feel it and know that whatever was going on with him he didn’t have to face it alone any more.

After paying off the Cab Jensen steered Jared into the apartment lobby and to the lift. Once they were safely back in his penthouse Jensen dimmed the lights and eased Jared out of his jacket and guided him towards the couch, he could see that Jared was overwhelmed, not only by the evenings events but by another crippling migraine.

Jensen handed him some Advil and a glass of water, half-expecting Jared to refuse the medication but he took it silently and handed the glass back to Jensen. Jensen hunkered down in front of Jared and looked at him earnestly, “Jared, I don’t want to hurt you for the world but man, you’ve got to talk to me. I need to know what’s going on here or I can’t help you.” He watched Jared carefully for a reaction but Jared just sat there looking totally dejected. “Jared, listen, I’m going to change and make a coffee while you think about it. I’ll do whatever you need, okay? You want to stay here and deal with it I’ll be right by your side. If it’s too much for you I’ll drive you back to the Cabin tonight, but I’ve gotta know what we’re facing, okay?” Slowly Jared nodded and Jensen left him alone for the moment.

  


  
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](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


After a quick shower and getting changed into his jeans and an old shirt Jensen felt better, a little more able to face Jared’s demons anyway. As he filled the coffee-pot in preparation for a long night there was a loud knocking at his door. Swearing softly, Jensen went to see who it was, wondering who on earth it would be calling at this time of night.

Peering through the spy hole he felt himself go dizzy for a moment but as the banging started again he yanked open the door. “Misha, you have no idea how lousy your timing is,” he muttered softly, not wanting to disturb Jared.

“Please, let me in, Jen. I’ve been trying to talk to you for so long.” He gazed at Jensen with such feeling in his brilliant blue eyes that Jensen felt his heart flip-flop in his chest. “Misha, no! you have no idea how bad you hurt me. I can’t do this now.”

Misha tried to push past him but Jensen stood his ground. “I said no, Misha, whatever you’ve got to say can wait, I’m dealing with something way more important than you right now.” Misha sighed, “Jen I only wanted to apologize, I want to explain. . .”

“Jensen, are you okay?” Jared came up the corridor behind him and Misha recoiled as though he’d been punched. “Jesus Christ! Jen, do you know who this is?”

“Why does everybody keep asking me that tonight?” Jensen muttered, “He’s my friend, Misha, just a friend but he’s worth a billion of you any day of the week. I think it’s time you left now.”

Misha looked at him sadly, “I never filed my report, Jensen. Believe what you want but I swear I cancelled the contract as soon as I realized I had feelings for you. I would never have slept with you as part of the job. I’m a PI not a whore!”

Jensen scrutinized his face but he seemed to be totally sincere. “I’m going now but Jensen, I really cared for you and I still do. I hoped we might be able to get through the way we met but I can see now that it’s too late.” Jensen nodded uncertainly at his previous lover as he tried to take in what the man was saying, knowing Jared was still standing behind him and afraid to say too much in case it freaked him out.

Misha leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips, Jensen was too stunned to react. “Goodbye, Jensen. There’s just one thing you should know, this is the man who hired me to investigate you.”

[ next](http://violetknights.livejournal.com/27883.html)


	5. On auto-pilot, Jensen shut the door and

On auto-pilot, Jensen shut the door and retreated to the kitchen, he felt as though he’d been punched in the gut. Anger and confusion churned in his stomach and he wanted to vomit.

Jared followed and watched in silence as Jensen finished making the coffee and wordlessly handed him a mug. Jensen was obviously in turmoil as he struggled to process what he had just learned.

Jared perched himself on one of the high stools at the breakfast bar, he felt that somehow to head back to the living room couch would be too cozy for some of the things they had to talk about now.

Jared watched as the color started to return to Jensen’s face, he felt sick himself that Jensen had started to find out the story in bits and pieces, he had hoped he would get the chance to explain things himself first.

“No one else has taken care of me like you do,” he offered, and Jensen came over to Jared and finally looked at him, “It’s all so much to take in, I haven’t seen Misha since I found out he’d been hired to spy on me. It was you who hired him? Why? Why would you do that? Did you know he’d sleep with me to try and get close to me?”

“Jesus! No!” Jared’s voice was anguished, “Jensen I swear. He was telling you the truth, he rang me and said he’d got personally involved with you and couldn’t continue. He sent me back my retainer and everything, his prelim report only said you were a good guy.” Jared took a swallow of his coffee and grimaced slightly.

Jensen saw the expression and breathed out slowly, “I’m sorry, Jared. I’m being selfish, I got caught up in my own issues. Are you still in pain? This can wait if you want.”

“No, we’re so far down the line now I might as well get it over with.” He tried to force a smile but his hands were shaking and he could feel a tic starting to twitch in his eye. Jensen caught his hands and took the coffee away because it was in danger of being spilled. “Do you need more Advil or anything?” Jared shook his head but Jensen could see that the movement caused him pain. “Come on, if you’re determined to do this now let me at least make you more comfortable while we do it.”

He led Jared into the darkened sitting room and sat on the couch, Jared sat on the floor between his legs so that Jensen could massage his neck. Despite the tension of the evening the bond of trust that they shared still held and it felt natural for both of them to be able to take comfort from each other like this.

They sat in silence as Jensen worked, his skilful fingers working on some of the tension and knots as he worked his way slowly up to the ridge of scar tissue. Finally Jared pulled away and hauled himself up to sit beside Jensen on the couch. “Thank you, I think that’s as good as its going to get tonight.”

He hesitated as though unsure of how to start and Jensen could feel how much this was costing Jared to talk about. He’d spent the last year hiding in the woods with only the dogs for company just so as not to talk about it.  
“Just give me the bare bones,” Jensen suggested, “You can fill me in on the details later if you want to.”

“Nah,” Jared shook his head a little and at least this time the movement wasn’t followed up by a wince of pain.

“I’m an all or nothing kind of guy. It’s time now.” He breathed in deeply and slumped back against the couch cushions, eyes closed as he began to speak in a voice that was low and anguished. Sometimes faltering, sometimes stuttering to get his words out, but driven finally to tell the story he had bottled up for so long.

“We were in the kitchen, Sandy – my wife and me, our little girls were toddling round her feet and I was trying to order takeout. We’d just got back from vacation, hadn’t even collected Sadie and Harley from the kennels, sometimes I wonder if they’d been there if he’d have chosen another woman to attack, I guess he was so crazed he’d have just killed them too.

”We were just laughing and joking, the girls were always doing something to make us laugh, well, I guess we were just so besotted with them that we thought everything they did was funny or cute, y’know? Anyhow, they were clamoring for Chinese, Daisy kept saying “wan’ c’ackers” and each time she said it, it just seemed funnier and funnier. Sandy was practically crying she was laughing so much.

Then this guy was suddenly there, just burst in through the door screaming at us.” Jared pulled his hands away from Jensen’s and covered his face, driving his knuckles deep into his eyes as though to drive away the images.

“He was crazy, schizophrenic and off his meds they told me later, I tried to stop him, put myself between him and my girls but he came at me with a machete, I dodged but he caught my leg. Then, as I spun away he hit my head with it and I guess I he knocked me out for a bit. I think he thought he’d killed me, or he’d have kept on attacking me. I drifted in and out of consciousness but I couldn’t move.

He had . . . he was doing terrible things to Sandy and her screams were cutting through my head like a knife. I wanted to go to her but I was helpless.”

Overwhelmed by the memory, Jared choked on his words, rocking back and forth where he sat. He pulled away from the comfort Jensen offered and forced himself to go on. “Next thing I knew I woke up and the house was on fire. Sandy was dead, he’d . . . there was blood everywhere. Oh God! So much blood, I didn’t know what was mine or hers or the girls, it was just . . .”

Jensen shifted closer, choked beyond belief at the extent of Jared’s pain. Jared seemed oblivious and clutched his fists into agonized claws as he continued.

“My poor girl, she’d been so pretty, you’ve seen the drawings right? She was pretty wasn’t she? Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember her, as she was, not that terrible thing he left in her place.”

“I saw your drawings, Jared. She was beautiful, really lovely,” Jensen said softly. Jared went on, his voice a monotone so low Jensen had to lean in close to hear.

“I could hear Daisy screaming so I dragged myself through to their room, I had to . . . had to crawl over Sandy’s body to get to them. Their crib was on fire and when I picked them up so were they, Carrie was so limp I thought she was dead already, I wrapped them together in a quilt and got out somehow. Someone had already called 911 and the paramedics took them from me, I blacked out again and didn’t wake up for a week.”

“Jesus! Jared, that’s . . . God! It’s awful, really, I don’t know what to say.” He could feel the pain radiating from his friend in waves, he understood now why the man was so damaged but was still confused as to his own involvement. Hannah’s hostility and Chad’s vehement “he doesn’t know”.

“But why, Jared? . . . I don’t understand what it’s got to do with me? What is it I don’t know? Why did you hire Collins?”

Jared reached out and grasped Jensen’s hand and Jensen thought it was pretty screwed that Jared was trying to comfort him.

“He though he was Raven, he believed he was on a mission to cleanse the world, what he did to Sandy . . . well, you know what he did. You imagined it, you wrote the book.”

Jensen felt the wave of guilt hit him like a punch to the gut, “No, God, No! “ Jared I didn’t know, I didn’t think . . “

“I don’t blame you,” Jared said hurriedly. ”Really I don’t. Even back then, when I hired Misha I was only looking for answers, I wanted to know how your mind worked that you lived in a world where you could write such terrible things. I read every one of your books in a week but all the time Carrie and Daisy were in the hospital, they needed me and I was too caught up in my own pain to realize.”

Jensen exhaled slowly as he tried to comprehend the horror of it all. “How old were they?”

“Not quite two years old, just babies really. They’d been burned so badly, Daisy more than Carrie but he’d torn them from Sandy’s arms before throwing them in the Crib and he’d banged Carrie on the head, she was in a coma for weeks.” Jared was still shaking so hard Jensen couldn’t bare it, he put his arms around his friend, hoping Jared would be able to feel all the things Jensen couldn’t possibly begin to find words for.

Jared’s voice was rasping now, he hadn’t spoken this much in months, he felt choked by the emotions as he struggled to finish his story. “Daisy endured months of skin grafts and operations before an infection got her and she gave up fighting. That was when I lost it completely. I guess I figured it was just a matter of time before I lost Carrie too so I ran away, came back to the cabin where we’d been for our holidays.”

“Hannah and her husband, Jack are Sandy’s parents but they take care of everything for me. I was always a photographer but when I couldn’t cope with people anymore they organized everything, from selling my photographs to getting Sam to keep an eye on me and visiting Carrie in the nursing home.”

“They’ve been so good to me, even though they were grieving too. Poor Hannah, I should have known she’d be there tonight, I just didn’t think.”

Jensen figured that this was one of those times when only strong liquor would do. He swirled generous slugs of brandy into two glasses and went back to sit by Jared’s side.

Jared drank his down in one go and barely even blinked at the burn of the liquor, Jensen sipped his more cautiously but was glad of the warmth as he drank. “Hannah wants you to go and see Carrie?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah, poor little mite. I’ve let her down, what sort of father am I to just run away and leave her when she’s been through so much? Jesus, its all such a mess!”

“Do you want to see her?”

“Yes! No . . . I don’t know . . . Jensen, I just don’t know. I should never have come here.”

“I’m sorry, I’d never have suggested it if I’d known it would hurt you this much. Wait and decide in the morning, okay? See how you feel after a nights sleep.”

Jared shook his head and said, “I’m not tired, I’ll just sit here for a bit. It’s fine though, you go on to bed. I’ll go to my room later.”

“Jared, don’t be ridiculous, you’re exhausted. Let me get you another drink or some warm milk to help you settle.” Jensen offered.

Jared shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “Jensen, I . . . I don’t sleep much. I haven’t slept in a bed since I came out of hospital. You go through, I’ll just rest on the couch for a while, I can put the TV on if I think I’m gonna fall asleep.”

Jensen ran his fingers through his hair and nodded helplessly, “’kay, well if you want anything come and get me, I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jensen left Jared sitting in the gloom staring out over the city and walked slowly through to his bedroom. He changed out of his jeans, folding them over the hanger and replacing them in the closet without have to think about his actions. He went through his normal bedtime routine of taking out his contact lenses and changing into the worn t-shirt and boxers that he wore to bed.

It didn’t feel right though, tired as he was he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing Jared was out there, alone and in pain. He remembered the night Jared had been sitting outside the cabin as he struggled to get through the anniversary of his daughters’ death alone.

He wondered how many other times Jared had come to the cabin so as not to be alone. And yet the whole time Jared had known that Jensen was the man responsible for the death of his family. How had Jared been able to live with that? To come to trust Jensen and even rely on him when that single fact should have made Jared despise him?

Regardless of the strange dynamics of their relationship, more than ever now Jensen felt he was meant to be looking out for Jared, that their paths had been supposed to cross. Knowing that how could he leave Jared out there alone? And yet now he knew that Jared had always known that he was gay how could he suggest that Jared come in here with him without Jared misinterpreting the invitation? It was all too much of a mess for him to pick through at this hour in the morning.

As quietly as he could, just in case Jared had fallen asleep after all Jensen crept back out into the sitting room.

“It’s cool Jen, you don’t have to tiptoe round you own apartment.” Jared’s deep, throaty voice made Jensen jump a little, the man must have hearing like a cat.

“I wanted to check you were okay, we talked about some pretty heavy duty stuff tonight. Why Jared? Why don’t you sleep? Is it because of the head injury?”

Jared was haggard with exhaustion and Jensen figured he must look as bad himself but there was no way he was going to go to bed now and leave Jared alone out here.

Jared stood up and gave Jensen’s shoulder a gentle shove. “I get it, okay? I know there’s to be no more secrets. I just have nightmares, it’s no big deal, not compared to everything else. But the night I spent with you in the cabin? No nightmares, so I guess you’d better hope I don’t snore ‘cos if you want me to try and sleep then I’m staying with you.”

Jensen smiled; relieved that this was a puzzle he didn’t have to work out. “Come on then wild man, lets get some sleep. You can snore as loud as you like, I don’t think anything will keep me awake tonight.“

  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)

Jensen regretted his words when he was woken by Jared stirring restlessy beside him just a few hours later. It was still dark outside, well as dark as it got here anyway. Jared began to moan wordlessly, sweat beaded his forehead and even as Jensen looked on in distress Jared began to beg for help before breaking into sobs that sounded like his heart was breaking.

Shaking himself out of his horrified stupor Jensen gathered his friend into his arms and tried to wake him, “Jared, it’s a dream, just a dream, you’re safe, I’ve got you.”

Jared buried his face in Jensen’s neck as he fought to regain control, forcing his breathing back from the ragged gasping it had been into some semblance of calm. His fingers clutched at Jensen’s shoulder so hard that Jensen knew there’d be bruises but he didn’t care. Somehow it felt right to Jensen that he was finally able to share some of Jared’s pain.

  


  
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](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


_When she sank to the ground because she was unable to run anymore her heart raced as though it would burst and her lungs were burning with a fiery pain so intense she thought she was going to pass out. Unfortunately she wasn’t granted the relief of oblivion. She felt the creature’s hot, breath on her face, the drip of saliva onto her throat from its slavering jaws. She finally found enough oxygen to scream but it was a poor ragged effort that was cut short by the creature’s powerful jaws as it ripped out her throat._

Jensen found himself awake early despite the disturbed night, after Jared’s nightmare he had slept again, curled close into Jensen’s body. Jensen had lain there, staring at the ceiling, all too aware of the effect that being with Jared still had on him. Although Jared now remained calm and untroubled he was a messy sleeper, draping himself over Jensen’s body and nuzzling into his neck.

Unable to lie beside his sleeping friend any longer, Jensen had gently extricated himself from the tangle of limbs and eased himself out of the bed. Despite everything Jensen still found himself struggling to be with Jared like this, the man was gorgeous, long limbs and miles of golden skin as he sprawled over the bed. However hard Jensen tried to persuade himself that his feelings were pure it was impossible for him not to react with a mostly naked Jared in the bed right beside him. He had tried to write but had given up in despair after adding only a few words to the novella he was working on. His mind was still churning with the revelations of the previous day.

There was so much for him to come to terms with, his responsibility for Jared’s tragedy was too huge to even start to work through so he turned instead to the disastrous reunion with Misha. More preconceptions to throw out of the window, Jensen was suddenly aware of his guilt in that matter too. He’d been so quick to assume the worst, hadn’t given his lover the chance to explain before ending the relationship by letter and hiding out with Chris and Steve until Collins had given up trying to contact him.

Mulling it over Jensen figured that even if it was too late for anything else he at least owed Misha an apology. Knowing that the other man would already be up and ready for his early morning run Jensen checked that Jared was still sleeping soundly before heading over to his ex-lover’s apartment so that he could deliver it in person.

After listening quietly while Jensen stumbled through his apology and an explanation of sorts Misha had begged Jensen for another chance.

“I . . . it’s too late, Misha. Too much has happened since then. I . . . I need too . . . I have to think about Jared now.”

Misha sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Jensen he’s straight, he’s never going to get over his poor, dead wife and how she died because of you. Are you really telling me you’re willing to throw away everything we had together to pine around waiting for a man who in all probability will never love you back?”

Misha was so close that Jensen could feel the other mans breath ghosting his cheek. “Misha please.” He whispered not sure what he was asking for, Misha pulled him in close then, one hand behind Jensen’s head, the other sliding down to his ass. In spite of himself Jensen moaned, the sex with Misha had always been stunning, they were physically well matched and Misha knew exactly which buttons to press.

As his deft fingers worked their way into Jensen's jeans Jensen moaned again and pressed himself closer, opening his mouth in surrender as Misha kissed him passionately. Jensen tried to give in; to lose himself in the sensations as Misha began to play his body like an instrument but all he could think of was Jared. What if Jared woke up alone? What if he panicked at being in a strange apartment?

Sensing Jensen’s distance Misha pulled back and smiled sadly. “I thought it was too good to be true. Go on, you don’t want to be here with me.”

“I didn’t know what I wanted,” Jensen confessed. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for not believing you before too. I really thought you only slept with me for information. I kept expecting to be outed in some sleazy tabloid.”

“It was never about that.” Misha insisted again and Jensen nodded, “I know, I really am sorry.”

Misha handed Jensen his jacket, “Go on, get back to Jared. He really does need you more than I do – even if he doesn’t appreciate you as much!”

  


  
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](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)   


Dani studied the tiny figure in front of her and added a final sparkly pink barrette to put the finishing touches to the child’s outfit. “There, honey. All done.” She smiled; steeling herself for the question that was the usual response to finishing getting dressed.

“Is my Daddy coming today? He might, mightn’t he Dani?” Her face lit up at the thought and Dani hated to dash her hopes, as she’d had to do each day for the past few months.

“Carrie, sweetheart we’ve talked about this. Daddy has had to go away until  
He’s better. Papa and Nana will be coming by this evening . . .”

Dani let herself ramble on hardly aware of the soothing words that were as much a part of the child’s morning routine as brushing her teeth. For about the billionth time she cursed the man who had destroyed the child’s life, robbed her of her mother and sister and damaged her father so much as to make him useless.

“What’s for breakfast Dani?” Carrie tugged on her sleeve bringing her back to the present. “Well I could be wrong but I think it’s waffles” she grinned, focusing her attention on buttoning the front of Carrie’s cardigan properly. “Woohoo! Carry me, Dani? I want to get there quick.” Dani knew she shouldn’t, she was supposed to encourage Carrie to be independent but this little one had Dani wrapped right round her little finger and she knew it.

Dani scooped her up into a big hug before settling the child onto her hip. “I’ll take you to breakfast but you have to walk to the playroom after.” She bargained.

“Deal!” Carrie wriggled contentedly as she made herself comfy and snuggled into her carer's side. “Umm! You have new perfume!” They chatted together cheerfully as they made their way to the dining room.

  


  
[](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00025wr8/)

  
After they had eaten breakfast Jared had called Hannah and Jack, they had an emotional but ultimately positive conversation. As Jared and his in-laws spoke Jensen sat quietly beside him and listened as Jared wept softly for his lost daughter and battled with his fears over the one who remained.

Jared leaned on Jensen’s shoulder as he dried his tears and began to ask tentative questions about the child’s progress. They smiled then laughed together as Jack recounted some of the funny little quirks and habits she had developed. Jared cried again to hear how like Sandy she had grown but Jensen could see that these were healing tears, Jared seemed to be growing stronger and more together in front of Jensen’s eyes.

When the conversation was finally ended with it was with promises to meet and assurances that Jared wanted to try and get to know his daughter again. Having made up his mind to see Carrie Jared was filled with a sense of urgency and Jensen agreed that it would probably be easiest to just get the first meeting out of the way as soon as possible.

When they got to the residential center where Carrie lived however he realized that going with Jack and Hannah, or at least getting them to prepare the way would have been more sensible. The child had just finished her morning physio-therapy session and was tired and disheveled. Her lip trembled with uncertainty as she gazed from one man to the other, Jensen figured it was pretty much a tie as to which of them was most overwhelmed by the situation. He cursed himself for not thinking to call ahead, the child really should have been warned.

“Daddy?” She said again and as there was still no response tears sprang into her eyes, Jared had sure picked the wrong time to do his zombie act, all the blood had drained from his face and he stood, silent and staring at the child in front of him.  
Jensen dropped to one knee in front of the child, not wanting to scare her. Damn it! He didn’t know how to talk to kids. He drew in a steadying breath and tried to make himself look calm and reassuring. “Hi Carrie. I’m Jensen, I’m a friend of your Daddy’s. Sweetheart, he’s . . . he wanted to see you so much. . . I . . .”

“Does his head hurt?” She asked softly, “Papa said he had to go ‘way ‘cos his head hurt too bad.”

“That’s right sweetheart,” he smiled gently. “I’m sure he’ll be fine in a minute.” Jesus! It was heartbreaking, he didn’t know what to do. The titian haired carer hovered in the doorway, obviously ready to interrupt if Carrie got distressed but somehow Jensen felt that he had to deal with this. If he handled this wrong he knew that he and Jared would lose their chance of building bridges with this precious little thing.

She gazed up at him with Jared’s eyes set in a bitty little face but the glossy dark hair was pure Sandy. “I love your hairdo, sweetie, you look very glamorous,” he smiled. She nodded graciously, “My nana bought me these barrettes yesterday. She says I mus’n’ expec’ presents when I get visitors but she usually brings me something anyway.”

“Nana’s do that, they like to spoil their grandkids. My big brother – he’s called Josh, he has three little girls. My momma spoils them rotten. The littlest one is Lucy, she’s about the same age as you, anyway Mama Ackles keeps sending me pictures of her in all these cute outfits she keeps buying her. The last one was pink, like a princess and it even came with a little tiara.”

As Jensen talked Carrie relaxed, edging closer to him. Jared was still staring at her without moving. The expression on his face was a devastated mixture of fear and longing that broke Jensen’s heart.

“I’d like a dress like that.” Carrie said shyly, her tiny smile showing a hint of dimples that matched her father’s. Jensen held out his hand. “Well, Daddy and I didn’t know we were coming to see you so we didn’t bring a present, maybe we could take you shopping tomorrow and buy you one.” he suggested.

“I wasn’t axing for one, Nana wouldn’t like it if I axed for presents,” she said worriedly.

“OH sweetheart, that’s fine. Nana would understand, I know you weren’t asking like that. I think it would be fun to go shopping together, that’s all. I think Daddy would to. I’m taking him to the headache Doctor tomorrow morning but we could come by after that if you like.”

“Can I Dani?” She shot a pleading look at the woman still lurking in the doorway. “I should think that’d be okay, honey. I’ll give you your lunch early and Daddy and his friend can pick you up at one, if that’s okay.” She looked doubtfully at Jared, obviously uncertain as to whether he would be capable of looking after the child properly.

Finally rousing himself Jared knelt beside his daughter and held out his arms. “My baby, my girl.” He said softly and Jensen was pleased to see the child respond immediately, scrambling onto Jared’s lap and snuggling in close. Within a few short minutes they were united in a shared language of half finished sentences and in-jokes that left them both giggling at Jensen’s exaggerated look of confusion.

  


  
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Carrie had fallen into an exhausted sleep curled up on Jensen’s couch, an afternoon’s shopping with her Daddy and her “new best friend” had obviously taken it out of her. She was dressed in the pink princess outfit they’d found her and had the remains of a chocolate ice cream smeared around her face. Jared put cushions on the floor so she wouldn’t hurt herself if she rolled off then went to join Jensen in the kitchen.

“I guess it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself, huh?”

Jensen wasn’t sure how to respond and busied himself putting out pretzels and sodas. Finally he turned to face Jared, “I think you needed to take the time to heal,” he said carefully. “She’s an amazing child and she’s given you a second chance. I don’t know if she’ll give you a third.”

Jared nodded, “I know, it’s just . . . I’m not sure if I’m ready to come back here. All this . . . the city . . .it’s kind of overwhelming.”

“I get that.” Jensen found himself edging closer to his friend. Fighting the urge to put his arms round him, wondering when his feelings had changed to the extent that he couldn’t touch Jared any more, just knowing that it wouldn’t be right.

“I’m going back,” Jensen said quietly. “I don’t feel right here. If you want me to stay with you for a while I will and this place is yours as long as you need it but . . . it doesn’t feel like home any more. I don’t think I can write here now and writing is what I am.” Jared said nothing but reached across the gap between them to grasp Jensen’s hand.

“I have obligations to fill, I have to finish the books I’ve got going now but after that . . . I don’t know. I can’t write that stuff any more, not knowing what I caused, how it’s hurt you, and her and God knows how many others.”

Jared squeezed his hand tightly, “It’s okay, really it’s not your fault.”

“It is.” Jensen insisted, “I brought those ideas, those images into the world and I know I can’t take them back again but I need to do something . . . anything to make it right.” Almost angrily he dashed away the tears that were threatening to fall with his free hand. Then suddenly he found himself pulled almost roughly into Jared’s arms, being cradled against his chest. Jared manhandled him as easily as he did Carrie.

“You owe me nothing,” Jared insisted. “ What you’ve done for me since I’ve known you . . . I don’t have the words to say what you mean to me. Saving Sadie, bringing me here, helping me with Carrie . . . You brought me back, Jensen. You’re making me come to life again.”

Jensen sagged against him then, didn’t know what to say in response, didn’t want to move away but afraid to stay where he was. Being held by Jared felt safe, felt like he’d come home. Slowly he brought his arms up so that he was holding Jared too, rocked closer against him, they clung to each other, both too afraid to move, neither wanting to break the hold and pull away.

Jensen didn’t know how long they’d been standing there when Carrie’s voice broke the spell.

“I’m hungry, can we get take out? We don’t get take out at the home but I had it when I went for a sleepover at Dani’s house once.”

Jensen laughed shakily as he took a step back. “Sure, what do you think, Jay? Does take out sound good to you?”

“Jared nodded, “I’ll call the home, tell them we’re going to be late bringing you back, shall I munchkin?”

Carrie sized them up with a look that was old beyond her years, “I guess,” she said slowly. “Only when we ‘splored earlier there’s a little bedroom with blue covers and blue is my favorite color.”

“Reckon that means you’re calling to tell them she’s staying out for the night?” Jensen asked with a grin. “So what are we eating then?” Jensen began to rummage through the drawer where he kept the menus.

“Can I choose?” Carrie asked and Jared looked into the beautiful big hazel eyes framed by the longest eyelashes he’d ever seen and wondered if he’d ever be able to say no to her. “Sure, honey, okay.”

“Chinese, I want Chinese. I mean, please can we have Chinese? I love Prawn Crackers.”

Jensen took a step towards Jared as the younger man’s face paled and he clenched his fists for a moment but he fought to regain his composure and smiled reassuringly at Carrie before swinging her up to sit on the counter where Jensen had spread the menu’s. “Sure, you’re princess for a day today, you can have anything you want, anything at all.”

  


  
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They had all eaten well and Carrie had been bathed and put to bed wearing one of Jensen’s T-shirts as a nightdress. As she snuggled down into the spare bed she’d demanded a story so Jensen had dredged his memory to come up with one he’d told his sister when she was little about the Princess who had adventures riding a magical unicorn.

Now she slept and the two men sat on the couch, exhausted by the unaccustomed labor of looking after a small child. It was a healthy tiredness though and Jensen was pleased to see how relaxed Jared looked, no hint of the tension that indicated a migraine. The haunted look had left his expression and he sprawled comfortably next to Jensen.

“I want to go back home too.” Jared confided. “Is it practical to think we could take her back with us? Do you think she’d want to come?”  
“I guess so, there’s a school in town and I can handle her physiotherapy and whatever else she needs . . . Jared.” Jensen sat up and looked at his friend determinedly. “ I want her to have everything she needs, I . . . please, let me. I can’t live off the money from that book, I can’t. Let me put it into a trust fund for her, please.”

Jared nodded his agreement, acknowledging with a wry smile the utter pointlessness of trying to argue with Jensen once he’d made up his mind, “Okay . . . sure, if that’s what you need to do then sure.”

Jensen smiled his relief, he’d been afraid Jared would refuse. As he leaned forward to snag a handful of chips from the table his knee brushed against Jared’s and he pulled back with a start. He felt himself flush, still unsure as to whether the way Jared had held him earlier meant what Jensen hoped it did.  
Beside him Jared shifted restlessly and Jensen was afraid to look at him, afraid he would see pity or rejection in the other man’s eyes.

“Jen, it’s . . . please say it’s not just me . . . we’re in this together, aren’t we?”

Before Jensen could respond Jared leaned forward and kissed him, at first just the merest brush of lips but then with increasing hunger. Jensen was too stunned to react but he didn’t pull away. His mind was working overtime as he tried to decipher Jared’s motivations for kissing him, couldn’t believe that he could be so lucky as to have Jared want him too.

“Jensen, it’s . . . I’ll never stop loving her but I want to love you too, I feel . . . I didn’t think I’d ever feel like this again.”

Jared was voice was hesitant but his gaze was steady as he waited for Jensen to react.

“Jensen, please? Say something . . . you’re scaring me now . . . I . . . I thought . . . “

“It’s okay, Jared. I need a minute but it’s okay. I was kind of gearing myself up to life as your celibate best friend. It’s just kind of a jump for me . . . I had no idea that you felt . . . that you liked me too. It’s a shock, a good one but a shock just the same.”

Jared nodded his understanding. “Will you . . . I need to go and say goodbye to her . . . to Sandy before . . . I want to be with you more than anything ut I have to do that first. Will you come with me? “

“I can do that, Jared. Of course, I’ll do anything you need me to, I promised you I would.”

  


  
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[next](http://violetknights.livejournal.com/27997.html)


	6. Jensen found himself once again in the p

  
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Jensen found himself once again in the position of cooking a meal for Jared in the Cabin in the woods but everything had changed so much in the last three months that he almost felt he had to pinch himself to check that it was real.

To start with the cabin was now home to all three of them, well five if you included the dogs. They had decided to live in Jensen’s cabin because it was closer to the town. It had been extended to put on an extra bedroom for Carrie and make the bathroom bigger but the veranda was still the same as was the little corner overlooking the clearing where Jensen tried to be disciplined and write for a few hours every day.

Christmas was approaching fast and they had all gone gleefully with JD and Jim to find a tree that Carrie would deem to be perfect. It had taken some time before she was satisfied and found the little Spruce that she declared to be “Just the right tree.”

They’d gone back to Sam’s to drink hot punch and eat cookies, then as Carrie had started to droop Jared and Jensen has brought her home to bed.

Their new little family had struggled a little to find its own special rhythm but Jared and Jensen were slowly learning that even really cute small girls need to hear the word “no” every so often. In turn Carrie was learning that being said no to didn’t mean that she wasn’t loved or wanted; although she was still testing the boundaries sometimes.

So despite Carrie’s protests that she wasn’t sleepy and certainly didn’t need to go to bed, Jared had ended up carrying the tired little girl in from the car, the icy conditions made it even harder for her to walk than usual.

Jensen looked up from the chops he was broiling as Jared came into the room and popped open a couple of beers. He put his arms round Jensen, gently resting his chin on the top of Jensen’s head.

“She settle okay?” He asked quietly, “She was mostly asleep before I even got her changed, “ Jared replied, nuzzling in to kiss the back of Jensen’s neck.

Jensen leaned in against Jared, relishing the feel of his muscled torso beneath the thin fabric of his shirt. “You know? My life’s been so different since I met you, I guess there were a lot of questions that I didn’t know even had to be asked and somehow you’ve answered all of them for me, you and Carrie between you.”

Turning to kiss his lover, Jensen brought his hand up to rest on Jared’s chest, feeling the steady thump of a heartbeat, not sure if it was Jared’s or his own pulse he was feeling.

  


  
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_Adventures over the Rainbow_

 _The first children’s novel by award winning author Jensen Ackles tells the story of a mischievous Princess. The young lady in question is far too busy to settle down and learn to sew and dance and perform other princessly duties; she’s off saving her subjects with her trusty steed who just happens to be a flying unicorn. Together Princess Carrie and Maddy the unicorn battle dragons, outwit giants and generally can be relied on to have a lot of fun while doing it. However, when the dark wizard from the neighboring kingdom moves in for a hostile takeover the adventurous pair struggle to be able to find his weakness in time to save themselves and their loyal subjects. Add a handsome but dumb prince and the odd fairy to the mix and you have the perfect recipe for an up to date take on the traditional fairy story._

 _These magical tales are guaranteed to charm and delight even the most recalcitrant of little princesses, aided by the magical illustrations by J T Padalecki. More famous for his growing reputation as a leading wildlife photographer, Padalecki’s interpretations of Ackles characters bring the whole book to life. Here’s hoping this is just the first of many collaborations, I’m putting this book under the Christmas tree for all my female relatives, big and small this year. I have no higher accolade than that._

  
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THE END


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